Live. Life. Love

Life's Design

2008-11-07T05:06:00.000-08:00

one day I will design you a beautiful home like this-- just you and me with our two pet dogs. peter pan and tinkerbelle. can you imagine it?

I believe

2008-10-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

I believe someone has to be strong
One of us at least
At least one
At least the one who wants this more
The one who wants to keep this going...

The Standards We Live In

2008-10-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

i wish i could love you the way you love me
the way you wish i could love you
but the only way i can
is the way i do

and you don't understand
and you push me away
now it's your turn to run

i guess this is where it begins

your words, predictions become reality

'Never forget who you really belong to'

2008-05-27T01:59:00.001-07:00

just felt like writing after a really long break. i'm home alone now thinking... thinking about her-- i always seem to miss her. she doesn't know this of course, no matter how many times i say it... no matter how many times i tell her it's true. she wants to know for sure. she wants to be sure. sure all the time. :)

i have never really been or felt so complete really-- it's rather scary to claim this. to have someone fit so perfectly into one's life... i never really thought this could exist. i never really thought she could. and now, she's mine.

Saving up :)

2008-04-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

i have never been the type to save up--
never.
and now i find myself being too thrifty! i don't even wanna hang out any longer.
sucks.

sucks big time but i've gotta save if i wanna go SUPER shopping with my girl :)
it's gonna be sooo fun baby! going SUPER shopping!
i've been going SUPER shopping in my mind already!
know what i did today after lunch with my grandparents?
i went online, and 'shopped' at www.topshop.com

okay, maybe i didn't 'shop-shop' but i kind of did.
it felt nice.
real nice.
i picked everything i wanted and saved it in my wishlist...
sigh.
how i wish.

pathetic?
haha!
you should try it!

ray-ban vintage aviator sunglasses baby?
what do you think?

sigh.
i can't wait baby!
it's so close!
save up, save up!
i'm coming :)

Tea, Chips & Some Online Poker

2008-04-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

last night was bad.
that, i admit.
i was wrong--
i had my pride with me again.
mr. pride.
always with me.
i gotta let him go somehow.

my girlfriend has really 'grown'
grown to be more patient and understanding.

it was sad.
i hurt her.
my words can truly pierce.
the power of words.
it must be tamed.

but the worst is over :)

we're talking...
communicating.
that's how problems are solved anyway, right?

so yeah.
we're good again.
talking about the trip, her hinting about some things i could buy for her
when i come over...

she's calling me tonight--
i'm happy.
i love listening to the sound of her voice.
makes me feel closer to her.
it's true.

long distance relationships work people!
truly they do--
in a few more days, it'll be our one year.
i can't believe it.

after everything.
my girl.
...still my girl through it all.

Fast day

2008-03-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

it was a 'fast day' today-- if there's even such a word like it. i bummed around the house basically. played the piano for 5 minutes, debated on whether i should leave the city or stay home, found a lonesome chocolate lying on the table and ate it, talked to my cocker spaniel (because no one talks to me at home) haha! pathetic. read the newspaper. (kind of did a quick browse. i only look at the entertainment section, the business to check rates, world news, the front page and my fave... the horoscope section.) so yeah. it was quite a boring day until my dad and i took my 3 aunts out for an afternoon snack or what my girl calls it, 'tea-time'. i think 'tea-time' sounds yummier. i like tea... :) english breakfast. hmmmm... anyway, after a nice 'tea-time', my two other aunts decided to go shopping! yay! shopping! i love shopping! except i didn't bring my credit card or cash cos i thought we were just having tea. (bummer) but since it was pay-day my faaaaaaaaaavorite aunt told me i could buy whatever i wanted. Aaaaaaaaaand since i've been wanting gladiator shoes, i got a pair of gold ones! super roman gladiator shoes! awesome! i love them! haha! i don't know... (babe, don't laugh!) i'm just happy i got them! at least i can wear them over there when i come visit since your country's such a sandals and flipflops country! so that's just that-- :)

Writing again

2008-03-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

she makes me feel happy--
and this is why i'm writing...

i've been day-dreaming a lot...thinking about her all day, thinking about seeing her, thinking about having our one-year anniversary dinner together in her city. everything with her truly is a first. i've never been in a relationship with anyone for this long. but for some reason, she got me to stay and just be with her. we really fought to stay together. 11 months and counting. i can't wait for our one-year. we're both waiting for our one year.

i don't really know how she does it. i don't know how she deals with all my flaws. i don't even know why she loves me except the fact that 'i'm so lovable&such a GREAT catch' *wink wink* (just kidding babe!) you're the catch, not me :)

everyday is an adventure with her even if we see each other every other month or so. i think the distance makes us stronger. i think distance ironically glues us closer. i think it makes us love each other all the more.

i don't think she knows it
but she has changed me--
i guess i just want her to know how grateful i am for it.
because of her... i've grown...
still a kid at heart but i've grown for us
grown for the better of our relationship.
i really don't know how she does it.
my sneaky girl.
what have you done to me?

i've never fallen for anyone after they've fallen for me--
i never thought she could--
but she did...

Gap

2007-12-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

I want you...

2007-12-10T18:25:00.001-08:00

I let you go...
I'm the fool--
I let you go...
Now i'm missing you

Going crazy
Lack of sleep
I can't eat
Nothing

No you--
Cos it'll always be you

I want you
I want you back...

Punish me for all this
I'll understand

Whatever it takes
Whatever it takes...

I'll find a way to win you back.

Where to?

2007-11-25T02:32:00.001-08:00

you and me...
you and me...
me and you...
me and you...

fuck.
i'm an asshole.

me and you...
me and you...
you and me...
just you and me...

together...
just us...
always us...

why did i look the other way?

how could i?
why?

attention--
sometimes i crave the attention

fuck.

what an excuse...
to hurt the one you love.
to hurt the one I LOVE--

what now..?
where to?
what next?

forgiveness?
trust...?

here--
throw it in the waste bin

i made a mistake.
a big mistake.
an awful mistake.

selfish little girl--
fuckin' selfish little girl.

i deserve this.
whatever comes next.
consequences.

we're broken.
you're broken...

i'm sorry...
i'm so so sorry...

Growth

2007-11-06T18:32:00.001-08:00

growth...
maybe i've grown a bit--
and it's silly because i can actually feel it.
i feel it inside of me.
i feel the growth around me.

haven't called my best friend in a year
and yesterday i did.
we talked...
and finally listened.

there are some things that we tend to overlook
that we tend to just take for granted

i've done my part.
and i guess i'm just through with it.

i wanna live.
start living and stop regretting.
quit being so cautious and just go with it--
quit hiding and just be deliriously happy.

and i am.
i think i am.
maybe i even believe that i am.

it's her.
she's grown too--
and her growth makes me proud she's mine.
she's gone a long way
...our relationship has too
we needed it--
"the fall"
but now we're back.
which is clearly all that matters.

Playmate :)

2007-11-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

everyone needs a playmate :)
someone who'll cheer you up
someone who'll make your day
someone who'll take you away from bittersweet reality

she's my playmate...
my favorite playmate
my 'bestest' playmate

lets play make-believe, okay?
and pretend we live in the same country.

lets play make-believe okay?
okay...?

it's never to late to play... :)

Real Life. Fake Life.

2007-10-20T09:38:00.001-07:00

...The stares.
...Stress
This is who I am--
There are times I wanna fight for it
Times when I just wanna run
Run cos it's easy.
Run because it's the fastest way out

Who am I kidding?

I am such a coward--
I am a coward.
It's depressing and sad.
Now I feel sorry for myself.

What a cruel place to live in--
What a cruel body to live in.

People say that you should love yourself--
People say that you shouldn't love yourself too much because if you do,
you'll be considered selfish.
People say...
People say........
What does it matter
Nothing matters.

So what is the right way to live?
Is there such a thing?
Could there be such a thing?
A world without rules
A world with rules.
Where do I belong?
How I will belong?

The people I love the most
Do they love me?
And if they did...
Will they still LOVE me?

I am chained and I am free.
I am clothed and I am naked
I am brave and I am scared
I live two lives
But I live in but one body

I just wanna be happy
I just wanna be with her
Can't YOU just allow it?
Can't you all just let it be...?

I am tired. I don't know who else to please--
Let me be.
I love her--
Just please let me be....

I can't believe i'm posting this... buut

2007-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

...I love my girl :)

Lovin' It.

2007-10-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

if you find real, mind-blowing love
someone you laugh with
someone you can laugh at
someone who laughs at you for the craziest things you do--
if you can sit on a couch and watch
the stupidest 'suspense' movies or thrillers just so you have an 'excuse' to cuddle up--
stay. don't leave. she's perfect...
:)

Silent days

2007-09-18T05:08:00.001-07:00

staring into empty chapters
staring into space
string us back together
back together.
*sigh*
together?

these scissors that i've carried all my life--
it hurts too much.
cut cut cut
cut away the pain inside.

i need you
i don't need you
i need you
i know i need you--

fickle. fickle. fickle

cut away the pain

what the heart says
what the mind says

...

The World Without...

2007-09-14T04:41:00.000-07:00

can i hide in the corner, close my eyes and just disappear?
can i stay here and try to persuade myself that everything will be all right?
all it takes is time.
time---

this is the waiting period.
you no longer there
me no longer there
we no longer an us.

where?

i still--

where do we go from here.
how do i start over again?
with you no longer around
how?

my friends think i'm perfectly fine.
no time to show any sign of weakness.
i'm moving...
i've got to.
even if i don't want to.
i've got to.....

One. Just One.

2007-09-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

it's hard to explain everything--
i have no words left to say.
i'm tired and i feel restless.
i don't wanna feel.
i don't wanna breathe either.
i just wanna sit here and stay still.

is it just me or is everything suddenly in slow motion.
trying to find a reason
something to believe in.

i have nothing left
i have no one left.
i am alone.
alone again.

and it feels---
how does it feel?
it feels like i've gotta be strong again...

Yours... :)

2007-09-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

This day has been so damn long! So nothing much. Just felt like writing :) Baby, you better watch rent cos Maureen and Joanne fight exactly the way we do minus the singing! hahaha! Anyways, nothing much babe! You know I love you! mmmmmwah!

Me and You... :)

2007-09-03T02:44:00.001-07:00

We have to talk...
I have to tell you something
Look at me-- :)
Promise me you wont frown or sigh?

ya prrrromise???

Okaaay...

your pet's gonna be very busy this week...

very
very very busy--

think you can wait for your pet to finish her work? :)

Love lots,

your lovable pet...Muffy :)

Think--

2007-08-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

Think.
Think.
Come on now-- Think!
I gotta think straight.
Gotta make this work.
'and being caught in between all you wish for and all you need'
I don't know where to turn any longer.
A plastered smile on my face.
I've mastered it.
I've gotten used to it--
It doesn't hurt to pretend any longer
It is my mask.
My protection.

I have never loved this much.

Where is she...?
My love?
Where has she gone off to?
Have you seen my love?

I think I pushed her away...
I think...
I think...

I shouldn't think.

A rush of pain--
Numb yourself
Come on.
I've done this countless times before.

Don't hurt...
Don't breathe..
Just don't--

Feelings that won't ever die--
Just you...
Just me.
Just us...

I miss you-- :,(
so so much

Just because i'm such a kid... :)

2007-08-16T04:31:00.000-07:00

*this is the monsterism collection :) check out the blue horse lookin' thing!*

*looks familiar?? my first designer toy*

*tokidoki collection*

i don't know why but these toys make me real happy-- it's probably the love for design and art :)

if you wanna know more about these toys, check these links out :)
http://www.monsterism.net/links.html
http://www.kidrobot.com/

Back to you...

2007-08-12T04:37:00.001-07:00

how do i find my way back to you?
back to how it all was?
how do i take away the pain and make it better?
how can i make it better for you?

i never meant to hurt you this much
break my promises...
i never...

forgive me?
forgive me...

i will always find my way back to you--

i love you my babyy...

Will you remember?

2007-08-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

i don't understand--
fear?
i'm scared--
i'm scared of making it without you
i wanna pull you back...
i wanna hold you
hold you so close and never let you go

but the future...
it scares...
it scares me
so so much

i don't want you to go
but i have to go
how selfish can i get?
how can put a stop to this?
set you free
set you free so you can live a better life.

what is this pain?

i'm restless...
i'm weak.
i'm nothing without you--

what the fuck is wrong with me...?

god, i need you--

*A world without a purpose

2007-08-09T15:36:00.001-07:00

it's not that i don't know...
not that i never felt it...
please know...
please know......
please just know......
follow your instincts...
the connection that has always existed
will never cease
will never ever cease to exist...

so as my love for you...
my love for you...
all my---

it hurts...
i don't want to...
but i have to....
i really have to--

it hurts so so much...

i woke up so early today...
earlier than usual--
and i craved so much to be beside you--
i wanted to hold you hand,
kiss you...
touch you...
i love everything about you--
but reality...
sweet sweet reality...

something had already been done...
something that had already ripped your heart...
you and me apart--

why do bad things happen to good people?
you are the good one...
the perfect one...
you are the one....

forgive me...
please forgive me for hurting you this way...
please please please.... my....
my--
it hurts so much not to be able to call you mine...

don't forget...
please don't forget...
please please don't ever forget
never forget...
because i won't...
i won't ever--

never again.
not with anyone.
it's you--
it'll always be you---

how can i get through this?
walk without you?
how can i not love you
when it lives so so so deep within me...
you know within your heart
search down within your heart
and you will find the answer
it's not easy
it's not easy to go----
it's never gonna be easy to walk away
it's never gonna be easy
never...

i'm sorry...

this is for us---

i will find a way.......
i will always find a way....
and if the time comes that you still might love me...

...
...
...

thank you....so so much.

keep my heart--
keep it...
it's yours...
it has always been yours....

Hit the pause button

2007-07-29T04:47:00.001-07:00

how does it feel when you're gone? i don't wanna rummage through my thoughts-- i don't wanna think. i don't wanna feel. i don't wanna move. i don't want anything else but you. it scares me to think. it scares me to move. it scares me to breathe, to feel... i don't wanna feel. i wanna sit here and be numb but i'm not. i can't. i keeping feeling-- feeling you in every inch of my body, my soul. so close and yet so far. that's how it's been in my world the moment i got into that cab yesterday afternoon... i drove away and my heart broke into a million pieces watching you fight of 'reality'. watching myself fight off the pain that that was to be the last time-- the last time until...

'life is full of surprises'... we never know what's to come.

i can still taste you... i can still feel you, smell you... i can love you, you know? i can love you forever. some people have stopped believing in forever. jaded by bad experiences. but i do believe in forever. i do believe in it most especially when it comes to you.

we fit so well and it's undeniable. the way we are. the way we are when we're together. everything just falls into place. we're the lucky ones, aren't we? bounded by love and unkindly separated by distance. how are we to thank life? how are we to thank Fate? how are we to thank for Fate... or Life to be cruel and kind?

i love you.
i'll always love you.

i do believe in the 3 weeks we had together we grew. we really grew.

i grew.

my love for you grew.

<3>

2007-07-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

isn't it crazy?
isn't ours the craziest?

you.
the one.
the one worth fighting for...

I love you so so much baby

Lemme...

2007-07-04T18:16:00.001-07:00

Sleep outside your door....
Love you till the end...
My turn to wait.
My turn to wait....

...

2007-07-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

Where?

When?

How?

Where have you gone
Gone...?
Are you gone?

Existence is tricky
I don't know where to look

You.

I still love you...
I miss you..................

:(

2 weeks

2007-06-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

In 2 weeks...
*sigh*

In 2 whole weeks, you'll be here...
and we can finally hold each other once again.

It feels surreal...
So near yet so far...

I can't believe it's coming soon
You're coming home
Coming home to me

I'm happy babyyy...
Thank you for making me so damn happy!

Pick your target

2007-06-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

the girl...
that girl...
you see her??
you want her???
you want her too??

yeah, that's the girl..
the girl who makes my heart stop--
she might be the one who makes yours too...

yeah...
she does?
so you know her?

oh...so ya do?

she's mine... :)

Send Her An Angel

2007-06-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

"Send her an angel to guide her fragile heart. To dry those tears that fall in the dark. Send her an angel to hold her through the night. To bring her love and show her light.

It's a crazy world she's livin' in tonight
Show her grace, tender mercy, hold her tight...

I know the shadows will fade when the light drifts away. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...
And the dark will give way to a brand new day.

Send her an angel to kiss her hallow eyes
Tell her, she's your beautiful child
Send her an angel to whisper to her soul
She's not aloof and please let her know

It's a crazy world she's livin' in tonight
Show her grace, tender mercy, hold her tight."

(baby's prayer tonight...)

Starting Line

2007-06-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

school starts tomorrow--
whoa.
i don't even wanna think about it.
excited but not so excited.
a little scared
and not so scared...
it's always been this way.
everything new, scares me.

people say i'm strong
that i'm brave
am i?
what is bravery?
what is strength?

funny.
this is the way school affects me.
i don't know.
do you?

i can say i had a good summer--
a different one.
one that changed my life
one that renewed my spirit
one that made me whole again

i thought i'd never be able to experience all these things
but this summer brought me to it
to you-- :)

now i know you're worried
that i might take you for granted...
that i might slowly slip through your fingers
unknowingly...
the work
separate it from us.
you're the one that keeps me working... going.
i move through this crazy world because of you--
i have purpose now
to work harder
to be the best that i can be...

yea
it's because now i've got you--
my baby...
hahaha!
i sound pregnant.
maybe i am.. :)
yours?

love..
smile now
you're my life
trust me on this--

anyways, hopefully this school year will be a good one
can't wait!

thank you summer!
come back soon!

hello work!
don't kill me too much!

Only You..

2007-06-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

only you can take away the pain
my fears...
everything that makes me feel uncertain.

Can I love you forever?
Cos I'll love you forever...

Opening...

2007-06-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

Opened by box
So you could see
My past
Your present

I know what you're going through...
I'm here with you--

Always...

I love...

2007-06-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

I love my girl...
Please don't take her away from me...

I was...

2007-05-30T05:34:00.001-07:00

sorry about the sad girl picture-- trust me, complete opposite of what im feeling at the moment! :)
my girlfriend made me sooo happy today! she's damn hilarious! everyone should have a girlfriend like her! Oh but don't get me wrong... i ain't sharing! haha! anyways, i was checking her blog and i came across her 'copied questions entry' and decided to copy it-- yes, babe.. i am a copycat! I love you boobiiieee!! I love you my tipsy woman! Mwah, mwah mwah!

1. Yourself: what am i? deliriously happy!

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? booooobieee, babyy, bay, twinnieee, tink, s... pusssyyy hahaha!

3. Your hair: getting longer but i think i wanna trim it

4. Your mother: my best friend and worst enemy :)

5. Your father: my dad's old school cool

6. Your favorite item: my laptop and call cards

7. Your dream last night: quite abstract--

8. Your favorite drink: vodka tonic and beer

9. Your dream car: a black porsche

10. The room you are in: living room

11. Your ex: who???

12. Your fears: i don't think of them.. i live!!

13. What you want to be in 10 years: rich, famous...with my babyy and our cute little golden retrievers :) oh yeah and a we have to have a house too! a modern one!

14. Who you hung out with last night: my painter who's painting my room gray

15. What you're not: poser

16. Muffins: huh? muffins what? i like muffins! i think?

17: One of your christmas wish list items: well, i think i'd want a... nice white rug

18. Time: nighttime

19. The last thing you did: talked to my best friend

20. What you are wearing: brown sleeveless top and my army fox shorts

21. Your favorite weather: a breezy cloudy weather

22. Your favorite book: the zahir

23. The last thing you ate: i don't know what it's called.. haha!

24. Currently, your life is: perfect!

25. Your mood: uhhh... ask my girlfriend :)

26. Your best friend: is sad right now :(

27. What you are thinking about right now: july july july july july july!!!

28. Your car: ya mean my car... NEEDS to be a porsche or a black range rover!

29. What you are doing at the moment: typing and thinking

30. Your summer: my summer was awesome!

31. Your name: is short and suuuuhweet!

32. What is on your tv: it's not on

33. Last time you laughed: just a while ago

34. Last time you cried: last Saturday in the beach... :(

dear baby, don't kill me cos i was seriously trying to figure out this whole new blogger beta thingymahjig but i didn't wanna risk getting killed by you! haha! soooo.. see ya later love! I love you!

Check this.. :)

2007-05-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

ya know how art speaks to you?
this piece did :)
funny how the girl ate all her words..
wonder what those characters mean...

Scream

2007-05-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

silent screams--

...always

2007-05-24T05:34:00.000-07:00

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Questions

2007-05-23T08:00:00.001-07:00

what is it that you don't trust?
droppin' all signals...
hearing you out--
listening..
why doubt?

i don't say much
because i don't wanna say much
it's not that i don't listen
i just don't want this whole thing to 'blow up'--

please have faith in me
i need that from you--

i love you

Twinnie... :)

2007-05-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

I know you're supposed to be tinkerbelle...
but just use the plane and get here quick
i'm loving you forever...
no matter what.
I love you S

Suddenly..

2007-05-18T03:32:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I don't give a fuck any longer.
what paint to use
what color
how to arrange this fuckin room
what to fucking add--
what bedsheets to choose...

it's fucked
you raped it
and it no longer belongs to me.

fuck you

no one asked you to change anything--

My Answer...

2007-05-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

If you wanna know exactly how i felt last night
lemme try and put it into words

cliche-ish
my world stopped
i didn't know what to say
what to think...
where to begin
and how to begin again
all my plans thrown into a waste bin
for a first,
i felt numb and scared.

in my whole entire life
i've never felt so lost
so alone
so scared

maybe because i've never loved anyone as equally enough...
as i do now with you--

the last thing on my mind
was losing you
and yesterday
it stared me straight in the face.

taunting me
making me doubt
making me think about whether this was right or not

i just couldn't stand being the one to hurt you

but the mind can play dirty tricks on us

i had to depend on my heart--

i knew i loved you
i knew i wanted you and only you...
i knew that it could ONLY be you
i knew that i couldn't--
i just couldn't be without you.

and so i told you
i told you that i wouldn't leave
and that even if you would
i'd still be around
no bitterness
no sign of hatred
nothing
just because

just because you are who you are
just because you're you
just because i love you and just you.

it's been you
and i've known this since way back

so forgive me for all my flaws and imperfections
i ain't perfect
but i am trying--
i know that's hard not to doubt because of my past
but you are my present
you are my present now
and pray that you will one day be my future
if you'd just let me...

you might never realize the kind of impact you've brought into my life
for a first
someone real
someone very very real to me--
someone i know that i truly love and respect
someone...
Yes, you

Do you speak the truth? Do you tell me everything, without keeping anything from me?

Yes, my sweet sweet darling

For it will always be you
and it will never end--
For whatever happens,
whatever is bound to happen to us
do know that I love you.
Completely.
For you--
All of you...
All 999 pieces of you
Whole-Heartedly...
All of Me
Every little piece of me.
All yours to keep for as long as you want
and I will always always find a way back to you.

There is no reason to doubt now, baby--
I am yours.
All yours.

I love you

So close...

2007-05-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep

A billion thoughts of you—

A billion thoughts of us…

Of what could have been.

I can’t sleep

I can’t believe how close

I can’t imagine you ever..

Gone—

But we held on, didn’t we???

Cos we’re such a good thing, you and I—

Only we know this.

Only we understand.

We both…

Us both…

Just you and I ;)

What I did today..

2007-05-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

did this while you were at work
cos i had nothing to do at home

so yeah.
i drew this crazy picture for you :)

it's our future home on top of a tree...
like it?
:)

what do you think?

wanna come up and live with me?

Don't think... Never think--

2007-05-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

trying to find anything that would make me forget--
anything

not anyone
not anyone else

anything that could possibly make this...
feel better

59 days left...

sleeping
waking
without you

turning to check my phone
one message from you

the world to me

Here it goes.

2007-05-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Well, I'm ready
Well, I'm ready
I am ready
To run away with you
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
To run away with me

Pack your things we can leave today
Pack your things we can leave today
Say our goodbyes and get on the train
Say goodbye
Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

When?

2007-05-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

it kills me...

Live Life Love

2007-05-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

I Live...
My Life...
For One...

My Love.

Her.

Yah know... :)

2007-05-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

I missed you a lot today..
And i thought about you a lot today...
And i think i'm gonna think more about you tomorrow
And the next day
And the next next day
And the next next next day--

I can go on baby..
Being such a crazy woman for you...
I can be whacked
Whacked enough to prove my love

Speaking of love..

Why do people always try to prove their love?
I don't know..?
Do you?
I honestly don't know?

Because if it's there, then it's there.
And if it's not.. it's not.

It would be quite obvious anyways, don't you think? :)

But the thing is with you
I love proving my love...
And I do believe I'll never get bored doing it
Because I love loving you
And I love seeing you happy
And I love making you laugh because your laugh is damn contagious--

:)

Baby, point is...
You made me hella miss you today!

<3

You stole my damn heart baby!
So don't you dare give it back! :)

Can you relate?

2007-05-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

"Clare: It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays.
I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.
I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter.
Everything seems simple until you think about it.

Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship.
Now I wait for Henry.
He vanishes unwillingly, without warning.
I wait for him.
Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity.
Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass.
Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting.
Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

-The Time Traveler's Wife

Mine... :)

2007-04-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

"You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words.."

-Chocolate :)

hope you had a good day, babe!
<3

Last thing...

2007-04-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

first thing when i wake
last thing on my mind before i sleep
...
i'm in love with you.

i can't believe it's true.
but it is.

i never want us to fight baby.
it hurts when we do.
really does

i'm in love love love with you...

I feel...

2007-04-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

*SUPER*
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
SUPER

LUCKY

I
HAVE
YOU
...

One year before...

2007-04-29T04:09:00.000-07:00

March 5, 2006..

Time to search my child... it is over. Your hunt is over.
She is gone now.
Search deeper--
You'll eventually find better.

Fear not the darkness for in darkness lies mysteries ready to unfold before your very eyes. She is out there, believe me. Waiting...
Now is your turn to captivate. Now is your turn to teach. Now is your chance to love and be loved in return. Love... it is the easiest form of action... of emotion.
She is there.... She is there.
Wait. Wait for it. Wait for her.
She will be unexpectedly perfect.

You've got it...

Pray. Cos you've forgotten your faith.
Listen-- stop hearing your pathetic pleas.

You've got it.

Wait for her--
She's close by.
Unknown but close by...

Faith... Fate...Wake me up.
...Close by?

I've got time to heal.

Time to wait...

Please come soon...

April 2007

You became my girl... :) see?? it's all about patience baby... trust me when i say this. it was worth the wait and the pain to find you-- thank you for finding me and for saving me.
I love you so so much!

do you know...

2007-04-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

do you know how much i love you
that i feel so damn helpless to be this far away from you?
i wanna be with you
every single step of the way...

i wanna be with you..
JUST YOU...

do you know how much you mean to me
your happiness
your sadness
i FEEL...

i'll be with you
no matter what
better or worst
i'm here--

it never has to be during the good times
i'll be with you anytime--

baby...

i'm IN LOVE with YOU--
you hear me???

I am in love with every little piece of you...

I love her...

2007-04-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

back to reality--
it hurts
i miss you
i SO miss you...

i went to bed right when i got home and
and i missed you...
i miss sleeping next to you
i miss waking up next to you

*sigh*

I miss you my darlin' baby...

so near yet so far
you know where you stand in my life
only you
just you...

only us
just us...

what we have right now
we'll always have.

you have me babe
and i have you...
there's no one else
there will be no one else...

i love you
and i'll be back soon :)

be happy, babe
cos i'm damn happy i have you--

I think...

2007-04-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

i think i'm in love with you...
i think i know i'm in love with you...
i'm cheesy, i know..
but that's what i think.. :)

sooo...lemme change it to..

i know i'm in love with you..
and that i'm damn crazy about you

if you wanna know the whole truth..
i really do think that this...
what we have...
IS possible.

i will stay
i will wait
it doesn't matter what time
where... what place--
i'll always find my way back to you...
just you.

all that matters is us..
OUR trust
what we have...
what we'll always have...

we're different...
WE BOTH know this...
it won't change, tink--
trust me it won't.

...

whatever happens...
i'll never leave you
cos i know you'll never leave me

see, babe..
it's called trust... :)

we have this.
and it's the most amazing thing i know...

goodnight princess... can't wait to be with you tomorrow.. <3

2007-04-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

i "hate" you for making me feel this way
... :)

What??!

2007-04-10T08:53:00.001-07:00

seriously...?! is there such a thing as a lesbian hair cut???
no really...??
because my friend rosario once told me that mine was definitely a dead giveaway!
i don't think so.. no. mine looks pretty 'girly' to me-- haha! even dakota agreed! so what now?
besides, do you really need a lesbian haircut in order to be labeled a true lesbian?? haha!
nothing much. just that i find this sign really hilarious!
anyways, awww.. i really do miss rosario-- (are you reading this ya homesick woman??) haha!
she's home sick now and i think i will too in a couple of days.
we'll see how it goes.
we'll see how far i can go... :)

night!

My mawnin' call :)

2007-04-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

crazy girl!
i thought you wouldn't call--
9 o'clock isn't exactly a "wake-up" call!
but i love ya to death!
the funniest of all!
gettin' me all hyper
gettin' yourself all hyper!
funny funny girl you are!

take a shower already!
we gotta hit the courts and prove somethin'! ;)

...oh yeah and quit bumpin' your head!
haha!

Where am I?

2007-04-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

what's new?
i never know what i want--
i know it and yet i never seem to want to admit it.

am i scared?
am i?

running again

damn.
i hate running.

it's these damn scared shoes i own
i gotta throw them soon

throw them out the window

they were the shoes i wore last year
with her
now her
and the next her?

you've gotta be kidding me!

tomorrow, i throw these shoes away...
it ain't happening again.

i'm getting what i want.

I want you to know...

2007-04-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

that i'm travel'n off to some place--
but I'll be back sooner than you think :)

btw, check out my absolute favorite commercial now--
awww... wishin' i could find someone to spend an anniversary with real real soon :)

Chosen space

2007-03-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Choosing between living in the bright lights or the dim country lights--

I honestly don’t get this life I’m living in the city. The kind of calm aura this place sends off. No... I only get it here. In this four-storey home my grandparents live in...

I can’t deny that three whole days in this place can get boring, but the truth is, there’s so much to do. So much space to move around... so many people to talk to, be with, and get to know. It’s nothing like the city where everyone knows everyone, where everyone has to care about everyone, where people live to gossip just be in the damn spotlight...

In this place... this town, you can be whomever you want to be and no one would care less.

That is, if they aren’t city folk

Don’t get me wrong. I love where I live. I do love the city. I love the fact that the mall is actually my backyard. But the truth is, I could actually live far from a place where constant noise is the root and soul of its purpose.

And so tomorrow I go back, back to the bright, bright lights..

Back to reality, back to where I belong.

*Things i've gotta do this summer... :)

2007-03-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

1.) i have to at least once in my life go skinny dippin! haha! (anyone wanna join me??)
2.) go exercise everyday!-- dakota, you're my jogging partner! no complaining!
3.) get the red billabong bikini this monday!
4.) go wakeboarding...
5.) get a tan (even if i have one all year round--haha!)
6.) save money for 'the nikon' camera... :) (goal of the year! it's gonna happen!!)
7.) find someone... (even if people keep saying i shouldn't look.. i think i should!) haha! such stubborn schmuck, huh? naaah, i'm just impatient. fine. i'll just sit around and wait. :)
8.) go boxing after i travel... but i don't know? i feel like i'm gonna attend like a few sessions and just quit... i get bored easily :( so maybe i should just go get a...
9.) jump rope! believe it or not, it's a great workout! i used to do jump ropes
when i used to play tennis.
10.) hmmmm.. whatelse? quit smoking? (yeah right.. no but i will once i find that person)
11.) go make someone happy... ya know who ya are :) haha! can't wait babe!
12.) go to the beach! lotsa beaches!
13.) Shop, shop and shop!
14.) Go do something waaaay crazy! I don't know what though!
15.) Roadtrip with the guys
16.) Lastly... just have fun!

Thoughts of...

2007-03-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

on the way home from school, i thought of M and my heart stopped--
no.
it ached.
it's been a while since i last thought of him...

i guess the wounds haven't healed.

i don't cry anymore.
that's a fact.

i guess i just don't 'think-think' about it
i haven't really.
even tonight doesn't count--

i still believe him to be alive
somewhere lost in the middle of the world
i don't want him gone
i never want him gone

i'm missing you so much M...

it's summer now.
nothing much.
i just thought of you...
we're 'summer' people, remember?

i love you so much.

At 10:15 I am craaaaving for...

2007-03-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

1.) STARBUCKS! (because of you, carrie! thanks a lot for the 'juju' comment!)
2.) To end this week--2 days before summer!! Someone zap me to Saturday!
3.) New Billabong Boardshorts
4.) Krispy Kreme... *sigh*
5.) DVD shopping..
6.) To hit the beach with my friends :)
7.) To buy a new digital camera
8.) To finally fly to... ________ (ain't tellin' ya where i'm going!)
9.) Real Loooove :)
10.) Forgiveness... cos I don't wanna stay too mad at her
11.) To hug my best friend... :)
12.) To buy Nike Dunks!
13.) aaaaand Mandy Musgrave. She's hot!

:)

*I don't...

2007-03-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

Forget that I even gave a **** about you.
You don't matter anymore.

It's over.

Indifference, you've got it!

...

2007-03-18T04:36:00.000-07:00

"because I want you
but I don't wanna hurt you..."

What comes around goes back around

2007-03-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

























Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

Can't Sleep

2007-03-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of sleeping.
I don't want to sleep and yet there's nothing to do at this time of night--

I should have gone out with them...
With her...
Could have watched a movie or something.

I know they are.

But I need the "rest" because I'm tired of sleeping-- do I make sense?

The whole of next week's exam week...
One week of studying, One week.
JUST A WEEK and I'm through for another good 2 months.

Summer in 1 week...
Freedom in 26 days...

Why do I sound so damn tired?

I don't wanna sleep tonight--
Stay awake with me?

Why

2007-03-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

can someone actually save me?
could you?

should i give you a chance to change me?

should i give myself a chance to change?

you confuse me too--

fight for me and we'll see...

we'll see--

i don't know.

i just might be open for change

Last one... I promise

2007-03-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

this'll be the last time i'm ever gonna write about you.
hold on to this.
cos this will hurt a bit.

you ready?

...

you get it?

Pulling The Trigger

2007-03-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

you're pretty
and you're ugly
you're pretty and you're ugly
in my eyes your beauty radiates
you hardly notice
you hardly believe
you hardly see.
i give you a teaspoon of hope
you never fail to push it away...

why is it?

is it because you want nothing of me...?

but these things were never in the picture to begin with
what happened?
where are you?
...who are you?

i looked at you...
you were to me a blank sheet of paper
you looked at me...
and i had a billion scribbles and notes all over

that's reality... i know.

know for a fact that it ain't over.
you and i... no.

you're a genius
go figure...

but for a first, i'll give the you answer...
after all, you never fail to share your calculations :)

...i ain't letting go.

keep your boat anchored.
i'll be back soon.

Burning down my music

2007-03-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

maybe silence is the answer--

Back

2007-02-27T04:52:00.000-08:00

hey.
i missed you too.
i'm sorry it took so long.
but i want you to know whatever happens,
i'll be around...

no time.
no space.
nothing.

you're one of a kind--
my different kind of wonderful...

any time soon...

2007-02-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

after this,i'm going to have serious trust issues--
never really gonna trust anyone so easily...
never really going to give so much...

yeah, right, right???

it'll happen one way or another--

but you know i loved you...
you just didn't love me enough

maybe i'm overreacting--
but whatever.
like it matters anymore.

...

2007-02-12T02:01:00.000-08:00

my damn, damn, damn fave Roxy baseball cap's missing and i'm going insane!

i love her... :) i hate her... :)

2007-02-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

you know how your best friend can be your worst enemy?

i love her

i hate her

but i love her more than i hate her...

she cares for me like no other

loves me like no other

but i can love her too like no other

she doesn't know this of course...

but i love her like no other--

i'll always love her like no other... *thanks for watching the holiday with me! you're sooo amanda!*

Open War

2007-02-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

looks like i'm gonna get shot for having these feelings...

lovely mess

2007-02-03T06:11:00.000-08:00

thanks for giving me my heart back.
i missed it!

...

the artist--

2007-01-29T06:35:00.000-08:00

i put you on top.
you wanna stay below.
always below.
why below?
you like sailing below everyone else.

i don't understand you.
sometimes.
most of the time you don't understand me too.
but what the heck?
we're okay...

man.
we're always okay...

but what you don't see.
is that i hear you silently.

i hear your every word.

what hurts is that you don't trust.
trust that i hear...
that i feel.
that i understand.

stop double-checking.

layers and layers of your self-involved standards.

yes. okay. i know. i understand.
people need their own time to think, to move, to speak their minds.

sensitivity?
i've blown all of my feelings in a balloon
ready to pop.

you speak like you know everything.
you listen like you know everything.
why.
why is that?

is it because you do know everything?

don't turn this around.
please don't turn this around.
don't even accept this.
cos it ain't acceptable.
don't swallow this like i know you would.
just hear it.

these are my thoughts.
my thoughts of you.

at least in this silence.
i don't hear you trying to defend yourself.
for in your defense my words
these words
would timidly rearrange themselves
in hope of your approval.

lets just say i'm tired of trying to please you
trying to look for my worth.

you might think you feel small around me,
well guess what?
you're wrong.
it's the other way around.

you.
yeah.
you hurt me.
i must have hurt you too.

but hurt.
hurting.
damn overrated.

this fucking feeling is overrated.
in a year or so, we'll hardly know--
we'll hardly know...

just...
just trust me, okay?

it ain't about owning you...
it ain't nothin' about it...
jesus christ.
wake the hell up.

you are who you are.
why do you think i chose you?

take a pill

2007-01-29T01:30:00.000-08:00

How do you fall for someone who loves you far more than you love him… even her? Is there a technique? Is it time? Is it waiting for the right opportunity? Does it come? Will it come? Is there reason enough to believe that it is possible?

Because I haven’t seen it—

Others have though. They live through it and die with the thought that love can come in late. It can come in a way a snail can get itself on a wall 2 meters off a ground. The process immensely slow—and yet, it still lands on its desired destination.

Honestly, I have no patience when it comes to love. Either it’s there, or it isn’t. Either I feel it or I don’t. It neither blossoms nor grows. It just is. And I can’t ever fool myself to believe it will come because it never has—and I don’t think it ever will.

Is this selfish of me?

Is my love that important?

Maybe that’s why I haven’t found that person… whoever that person is. Maybe that’s why I keep sticking around watching people fall in and out real love without ever touching one or experiencing it. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of knowing something and yet you never experienced it in your life? The feeling of knowing you’ve tasted something and yet you’ve never once put it in your mouth?

That’s exactly the feeling I get.

...but maybe just maybe i've felt it once
maybe i just never believed in it.

Exit

2007-01-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

I need to find an exit and quick
All these damn rush of thoughts
Blocking everythin' from view--

One minute i'm okay, the next; God knows what.
I can't keep living this way--

Whatever.
I'm just glad to be home.

Bloody stressed...

2007-01-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

i need sleep.
can i please sleep now?

2 days to go--
wait, maybe 3...

i need some sleep.
some real deep sleep.

good night.

Angelina Jolie Or...

2007-01-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

Pick...

...Angelina Jolie or a Porsche?

Angelina Jolie or a million dollars?

Angelina Jolie or houses all over the world...?

Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt?

Angelina Jolie or having to look like Angelina Jolie?

Angelina...

*sigh*

I'd pick Angelina :)

But i promised my twin that i wouldn't pick Angelina over her! so... I guess it's my twin over Angelina! haha!

Stopped Lookin'

2007-01-08T02:53:00.000-08:00

i've got my piano--
me and piano.
trying to play a song for her.
her favorite song.
her song for 'her'.

but yeah.
like i said, i stopped lookin'.

so basically i don't care anymore.
if she's happy...
if she's sad...

this ain't being bitter.

this is just reality.
my reality.

and as selfish as it sounds, it isn't.

because i catch myself sitting,
playing the piano
memorizing the piece
her favorite piece...

*
you know how people say they're over certain people
when in fact, they're not?

it's funny.

and crazy how we all fool ourselves to believe certain things--

Move on

2007-01-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

'move along, move along like i know ya should!'

it's great to be alive...
so much to say,
so much to do,
so many things to be grateful for

it's an infinite world--

it's so great to be alive...

thanks for makin' me realize.

i needed this wake-up call.

*Sometimes...

2007-01-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

"What you feel only matters to you.
It's what you do to the people you say you love---
That's what matters."
-The Last Kiss

There are some things in life that will forever be masked from our eyes...

There are some things that carry no answers...
There are some things that we'll never understand...

---

But at the end of the day,
Life has to go on...
Life waits for nothing...
Life waits for no one.

Run.

I think it's about time I start chasing it again.

Leave me to sleep and forget...

2007-01-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

cupcake...

yeah, you're my cupcake...
you'll always be my one and only cupcake...

my besty.

my best.

i love you...

i'll always love you...

it isn't easy, you crazy crazy boy...
you know i'm gonna get you for this...
you know i will...
because you're damn crazy, crazy like me.

so who will i text at 2 in the morning?
who's gonna go throw mud balls at me in our made-up 'garden of eden'?
who am i gonna sleep on on the phone?
or miss call me 13 times???
or buy me surprise gifts?
or cheer me up?
who's gonna love me the way you did...?

who...?
who... ... ...
did you think of that?
... no.

nobody but you... cupcake.

i'm starting to miss you, you know that?

keep me strong, cupcake...
i feel weak...
why'd you have to leave, huh?

didn't you say we were gonna go out?

you said you'd wait for me
where are you now?

tears in my eyes.
first guy to make me cry this way.

my best.

you'll always be my best.

you'll always be the best.

i loved you...
i love you...
i'll always love you...

i'll keep you safe, i promise...
the way you made me feel safe--

i just wish you were still here...
my best. my very best.

My Christmas Prayer

2006-12-25T06:14:00.000-08:00

Pray.

People find themselves this Christmas…

Like any other Christmas,

Praying…

Praying to be found

Praying to be won

Praying for acceptance

Praying to be kept safe

Praying for happiness

Praying to be comforted

Praying to be loved

…Praying

Praying to find some sort of peace within themselves…

…Praying—

And I’ve seen myself praying…

In my sleep I pray

In daylight,

As I speak, walk…

The prayer in my head goes on and on…

Waiting to be heard—

Waiting in line to be granted…

The prayer in my mind

Has been my prayer since birth…

To find peace

To be loved

To be comforted

To find happiness

To be kept safe

To be accepted

To be won

And to be found

Pray.

The prayer deep within…

The prayer…

The prayer that I want Him to hear if He does has the ears to listen…

If He does have the heart to grant…

How can something so right be so wrong…?

I hope He understands,

I hope He knows it’s what I feel is right—

My Faith tested.

And yet, prayer is the only thing that keeps me grounded.

So pray.

Pray this Christmas…

Pray.

It might be the only thing you have left to say—

…even to the air

And so I pray this Christmas,

That next Christmas

I might have the prayer

My prayer and even yours…

Answered

*a billion people on this earth, and I bump into you--

2006-12-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

"Second star to the right, and straight on til morning..."
ya know alavyah Tink.. :)

*

To build...

2006-12-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

How do you build a house for someone you love…?

How do you imagine it to look like, feel like… smell like… taste like--?

Interior to exterior…

Moving in and out—

A mind game…

A puzzle…

How would you want her to feel when she first sets her eyes on it?

How would you want her to feel when she first enters it,

when she first moves into it,

when she walks out of it,

and when she begins to create her personal spaces inside it?

How would you…?

Imagine her walking in.

Smiling…

Taking it all in…

Breathing into it---

Developing a secret bond with the structure …

How I’d love to build a house for her…

A house she’d love.

A house I’d love for her to live in.

A house we could one day both live in.

A home…

She, my home…

And my home…hers

...
How do you build a house for someone you love?

...you wait until She comes.

Inhale-Exhale

2006-12-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

no one knows what they've got until its gone.
at least now I know what I've got.
I have it here with me and I'm definitely keeping it safe in a box.

my heart.
I'll keep it safe in a box.
safe where it chooses not to be hurt.
safe.
plain safe.
doesn't have to be 'fancy-safe'.
just safe.
'everyday' safe...

spending the morning with her was nice...
this is what we call 'safe'...
it made me realize I could make her happy even without a title.
plain safe...
finally accepting her as a friend...
'everyday' safe...

Inhale... Exhale...

friends, right?

....

okay... i'll be your friend.

*

Sometimes, the world isn't yours to keep...

2006-12-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

i heard her crying across the street a few hours ago--
more like wailing...
the kind of pain you don't hear everyday...
it's the sort of pain you never want to experience.

...being blind
how long has she been blind?
crying her eyes out... how ironic.
wailing, screaming...
not being able to express the feelings trapped inside her miserable soul.

i pity the sound she cries out to the world around her.
it reaches my world and somehow i forget about being happy
and think of her own dying happiness...

sometimes, the world no matter how much you want it
is not ours to keep--
there are others who suffer
there are others we must never forget.

and so tonight, before i lay myself to sleep,
a li'l prayer for this special girl across the street--
that through her blindness she may find some sort of light...

Next stop... Never, Neverland... POOF!

2006-11-27T23:29:00.000-08:00

One tiny, tiny fairy's soooo damn 'miss-able'
...Anyone know where she went?
Cos ya see here, I'm missing my twin.
...sorta like my best friend.

Miss you, tink! ;)

No more drama in my life... :)

2006-11-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

Things have been a lot better--
I know now what I want...
I know now how to get it...

I want you to learn the secret of life.
It ain't a mystery.
It ain't anything special.
We have it within.
All you need is to reach it.
Want it.
Desire it.

"To visualize is to materialize..."

Believe it exists.
And it shall be yours...

"I wanna go to the beach... *sigh*"

What happens next!

2006-11-23T03:39:00.000-08:00

after completely draining myself doing school work, I decided to sit, relax and finish the last two episodes of lost's 2nd season-- i'm tellin' ya, this show is awesome! I can't believe Ana Lucia's dead though! She was practically one of the main reasons why I started watching lost! anyways, it's all good... Jack's hot so it's all good! dakota, ya better have season 3 for me! ;)

yeaaaah... i'm pretty drained right now but feelin' a lot better. exercising does the trick! it helps me forget... it helps me look forward to something better...

by the way, hope ya'll like the new videos... always loved dave matthews!