Back

hey.
i missed you too.
i'm sorry it took so long.
but i want you to know whatever happens,
i'll be around...

no time.
no space.
nothing.

you're one of a kind--
my different kind of wonderful...

any time soon...

after this,i'm going to have serious trust issues--
never really gonna trust anyone so easily...
never really going to give so much...

yeah, right, right???

it'll happen one way or another--

but you know i loved you...
you just didn't love me enough

maybe i'm overreacting--
but whatever.
like it matters anymore.

...

my damn, damn, damn fave Roxy baseball cap's missing and i'm going insane!

i love her... :) i hate her... :)

you know how your best friend can be your worst enemy?

i love her

i hate her


but i love her more than i hate her...


she cares for me like no other

loves me like no other


but i can love her too like no other

she doesn't know this of course...


but i love her like no other--

i'll always love her like no other... *thanks for watching the holiday with me! you're sooo amanda!*

Open War

looks like i'm gonna get shot for having these feelings...

lovely mess

thanks for giving me my heart back.
i missed it!

...

the artist--

i put you on top.
you wanna stay below.
always below.
why below?
you like sailing below everyone else.

i don't understand you.
sometimes.
most of the time you don't understand me too.
but what the heck?
we're okay...

man.
we're always okay...


but what you don't see.
is that i hear you silently.

i hear your every word.

what hurts is that you don't trust.
trust that i hear...
that i feel.
that i understand.

stop double-checking.


layers and layers of your self-involved standards.


yes. okay. i know. i understand.
people need their own time to think, to move, to speak their minds.

sensitivity?
i've blown all of my feelings in a balloon
ready to pop.

you speak like you know everything.
you listen like you know everything.
why.
why is that?

is it because you do know everything?

don't turn this around.
please don't turn this around.
don't even accept this.
cos it ain't acceptable.
don't swallow this like i know you would.
just hear it.

these are my thoughts.
my thoughts of you.

at least in this silence.
i don't hear you trying to defend yourself.
for in your defense my words
these words
would timidly rearrange themselves
in hope of your approval.

lets just say i'm tired of trying to please you
trying to look for my worth.

you might think you feel small around me,
well guess what?
you're wrong.
it's the other way around.

you.
yeah.
you hurt me.
i must have hurt you too.

but hurt.
hurting.
damn overrated.

this fucking feeling is overrated.
in a year or so, we'll hardly know--
we'll hardly know...

just...
just trust me, okay?

it ain't about owning you...
it ain't nothin' about it...
jesus christ.
wake the hell up.

you are who you are.
why do you think i chose you?

take a pill

How do you fall for someone who loves you far more than you love him… even her? Is there a technique? Is it time? Is it waiting for the right opportunity? Does it come? Will it come? Is there reason enough to believe that it is possible?

Because I haven’t seen it—

Others have though. They live through it and die with the thought that love can come in late. It can come in a way a snail can get itself on a wall 2 meters off a ground. The process immensely slow—and yet, it still lands on its desired destination.

Honestly, I have no patience when it comes to love. Either it’s there, or it isn’t. Either I feel it or I don’t. It neither blossoms nor grows. It just is. And I can’t ever fool myself to believe it will come because it never has—and I don’t think it ever will.

Is this selfish of me?

Is my love that important?

Maybe that’s why I haven’t found that person… whoever that person is. Maybe that’s why I keep sticking around watching people fall in and out real love without ever touching one or experiencing it. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of knowing something and yet you never experienced it in your life? The feeling of knowing you’ve tasted something and yet you’ve never once put it in your mouth?

That’s exactly the feeling I get.

...but maybe just maybe i've felt it once
maybe i just never believed in it.

Exit

I need to find an exit and quick
All these damn rush of thoughts
Blocking everythin' from view--

One minute i'm okay, the next; God knows what.
I can't keep living this way--

Whatever.
I'm just glad to be home.

Bloody stressed...

i need sleep.
can i please sleep now?

2 days to go--
wait, maybe 3...

i need some sleep.
some real deep sleep.

good night.

Angelina Jolie Or...

Pick...

...Angelina Jolie or a Porsche?


Angelina Jolie or a million dollars?


Angelina Jolie or houses all over the world...?


Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt?


Angelina Jolie or having to look like Angelina Jolie?


Angelina...

*sigh*

I'd pick Angelina :)


But i promised my twin that i wouldn't pick Angelina over her! so... I guess it's my twin over Angelina! haha!

Stopped Lookin'

i've got my piano--
me and piano.
trying to play a song for her.
her favorite song.
her song for 'her'.

but yeah.
like i said, i stopped lookin'.

so basically i don't care anymore.
if she's happy...
if she's sad...

this ain't being bitter.

this is just reality.
my reality.

and as selfish as it sounds, it isn't.

because i catch myself sitting,
playing the piano
memorizing the piece
her favorite piece...

*
you know how people say they're over certain people
when in fact, they're not?

it's funny.

and crazy how we all fool ourselves to believe certain things--

Move on

'move along, move along like i know ya should!'

it's great to be alive...
so much to say,
so much to do,
so many things to be grateful for

it's an infinite world--

it's so great to be alive...

thanks for makin' me realize.

i needed this wake-up call.

*Sometimes...

"What you feel only matters to you.
It's what you do to the people you say you love---
That's what matters."
-The Last Kiss

There are some things in life that will forever be masked from our eyes...

There are some things that carry no answers...
There are some things that we'll never understand...

---

But at the end of the day,
Life has to go on...
Life waits for nothing...
Life waits for no one.

Run.

I think it's about time I start chasing it again.

Leave me to sleep and forget...

cupcake...

yeah, you're my cupcake...
you'll always be my one and only cupcake...

my besty.

my best.


i love you...

i'll always love you...

it isn't easy, you crazy crazy boy...
you know i'm gonna get you for this...
you know i will...
because you're damn crazy, crazy like me.

so who will i text at 2 in the morning?
who's gonna go throw mud balls at me in our made-up 'garden of eden'?
who am i gonna sleep on on the phone?
or miss call me 13 times???
or buy me surprise gifts?
or cheer me up?
who's gonna love me the way you did...?

who...?
who... ... ...
did you think of that?
... no.

nobody but you... cupcake.

i'm starting to miss you, you know that?

keep me strong, cupcake...
i feel weak...
why'd you have to leave, huh?

didn't you say we were gonna go out?

you said you'd wait for me
where are you now?

tears in my eyes.
first guy to make me cry this way.

my best.

you'll always be my best.

you'll always be the best.

i loved you...
i love you...
i'll always love you...

i'll keep you safe, i promise...
the way you made me feel safe--

i just wish you were still here...
my best. my very best.

My Christmas Prayer

Pray.

People find themselves this Christmas…

Like any other Christmas,

Praying…

Praying to be found

Praying to be won

Praying for acceptance

Praying to be kept safe

Praying for happiness

Praying to be comforted

Praying to be loved

…Praying

Praying to find some sort of peace within themselves…

…Praying—

And I’ve seen myself praying…

In my sleep I pray

In daylight,

As I speak, walk…

The prayer in my head goes on and on…

Waiting to be heard—

Waiting in line to be granted…

The prayer in my mind

Has been my prayer since birth…

To find peace

To be loved

To be comforted

To find happiness

To be kept safe

To be accepted

To be won

And to be found

Pray.

The prayer deep within…

The prayer…

The prayer that I want Him to hear if He does has the ears to listen…

If He does have the heart to grant…

How can something so right be so wrong…?

I hope He understands,

I hope He knows it’s what I feel is right—

My Faith tested.

And yet, prayer is the only thing that keeps me grounded.

So pray.

Pray this Christmas…

Pray.

It might be the only thing you have left to say—

…even to the air

And so I pray this Christmas,

That next Christmas

I might have the prayer

My prayer and even yours…

Answered

*a billion people on this earth, and I bump into you--

"Second star to the right, and straight on til morning..."
ya know alavyah Tink.. :)


*

To build...

How do you build a house for someone you love…?

How do you imagine it to look like, feel like… smell like… taste like--?

Interior to exterior…

Moving in and out—

A mind game…

A puzzle…

How would you want her to feel when she first sets her eyes on it?

How would you want her to feel when she first enters it,

when she first moves into it,

when she walks out of it,

and when she begins to create her personal spaces inside it?

How would you…?

Imagine her walking in.

Smiling…

Taking it all in…

Breathing into it---

Developing a secret bond with the structure …

How I’d love to build a house for her…

A house she’d love.

A house I’d love for her to live in.

A house we could one day both live in.

A home…

She, my home…

And my home…hers

...
How do you build a house for someone you love?

...you wait until She comes.

Inhale-Exhale

no one knows what they've got until its gone.
at least now I know what I've got.
I have it here with me and I'm definitely keeping it safe in a box.

my heart.
I'll keep it safe in a box.
safe where it chooses not to be hurt.
safe.
plain safe.
doesn't have to be 'fancy-safe'.
just safe.
'everyday' safe...

spending the morning with her was nice...
this is what we call 'safe'...
it made me realize I could make her happy even without a title.
plain safe...
finally accepting her as a friend...
'everyday' safe...

Inhale... Exhale...

friends, right?

....

okay... i'll be your friend.


*

Sometimes, the world isn't yours to keep...

i heard her crying across the street a few hours ago--
more like wailing...
the kind of pain you don't hear everyday...
it's the sort of pain you never want to experience.

...being blind
how long has she been blind?
crying her eyes out... how ironic.
wailing, screaming...
not being able to express the feelings trapped inside her miserable soul.

i pity the sound she cries out to the world around her.
it reaches my world and somehow i forget about being happy
and think of her own dying happiness...

sometimes, the world no matter how much you want it
is not ours to keep--
there are others who suffer
there are others we must never forget.

and so tonight, before i lay myself to sleep,
a li'l prayer for this special girl across the street--
that through her blindness she may find some sort of light...