Life's Design

one day I will design you a beautiful home like this-- just you and me with our two pet dogs. peter pan and tinkerbelle. can you imagine it?

I believe

I believe someone has to be strong
One of us at least
At least one
At least the one who wants this more
The one who wants to keep this going...

The Standards We Live In

i wish i could love you the way you love me
the way you wish i could love you
but the only way i can
is the way i do

and you don't understand
and you push me away
now it's your turn to run

i guess this is where it begins

your words, predictions become reality

'Never forget who you really belong to'

just felt like writing after a really long break. i'm home alone now thinking... thinking about her-- i always seem to miss her. she doesn't know this of course, no matter how many times i say it... no matter how many times i tell her it's true. she wants to know for sure. she wants to be sure. sure all the time. :)

i have never really been or felt so complete really-- it's rather scary to claim this. to have someone fit so perfectly into one's life... i never really thought this could exist. i never really thought she could. and now, she's mine.

Saving up :)

i have never been the type to save up--
never.
and now i find myself being too thrifty! i don't even wanna hang out any longer.
sucks.

sucks big time but i've gotta save if i wanna go SUPER shopping with my girl :)
it's gonna be sooo fun baby! going SUPER shopping!
i've been going SUPER shopping in my mind already!
know what i did today after lunch with my grandparents?
i went online, and 'shopped' at www.topshop.com

okay, maybe i didn't 'shop-shop' but i kind of did.
it felt nice.
real nice.
i picked everything i wanted and saved it in my wishlist...
sigh.
how i wish.

pathetic?
haha!
you should try it!

ray-ban vintage aviator sunglasses baby?
what do you think?

sigh.
i can't wait baby!
it's so close!
save up, save up!
i'm coming :)

Tea, Chips & Some Online Poker

last night was bad.
that, i admit.
i was wrong--
i had my pride with me again.
mr. pride.
always with me.
i gotta let him go somehow.

my girlfriend has really 'grown'
grown to be more patient and understanding.

it was sad.
i hurt her.
my words can truly pierce.
the power of words.
it must be tamed.

but the worst is over :)

we're talking...
communicating.
that's how problems are solved anyway, right?

so yeah.
we're good again.
talking about the trip, her hinting about some things i could buy for her
when i come over...

she's calling me tonight--
i'm happy.
i love listening to the sound of her voice.
makes me feel closer to her.
it's true.

long distance relationships work people!
truly they do--
in a few more days, it'll be our one year.
i can't believe it.

after everything.
my girl.
...still my girl through it all.

Fast day

it was a 'fast day' today-- if there's even such a word like it. i bummed around the house basically. played the piano for 5 minutes, debated on whether i should leave the city or stay home, found a lonesome chocolate lying on the table and ate it, talked to my cocker spaniel (because no one talks to me at home) haha! pathetic. read the newspaper. (kind of did a quick browse. i only look at the entertainment section, the business to check rates, world news, the front page and my fave... the horoscope section.) so yeah. it was quite a boring day until my dad and i took my 3 aunts out for an afternoon snack or what my girl calls it, 'tea-time'. i think 'tea-time' sounds yummier. i like tea... :) english breakfast. hmmmm... anyway, after a nice 'tea-time', my two other aunts decided to go shopping! yay! shopping! i love shopping! except i didn't bring my credit card or cash cos i thought we were just having tea. (bummer) but since it was pay-day my faaaaaaaaaavorite aunt told me i could buy whatever i wanted. Aaaaaaaaaand since i've been wanting gladiator shoes, i got a pair of gold ones! super roman gladiator shoes! awesome! i love them! haha! i don't know... (babe, don't laugh!) i'm just happy i got them! at least i can wear them over there when i come visit since your country's such a sandals and flipflops country! so that's just that-- :)

Writing again

she makes me feel happy--
and this is why i'm writing...

i've been day-dreaming a lot...thinking about her all day, thinking about seeing her, thinking about having our one-year anniversary dinner together in her city. everything with her truly is a first. i've never been in a relationship with anyone for this long. but for some reason, she got me to stay and just be with her. we really fought to stay together. 11 months and counting. i can't wait for our one-year. we're both waiting for our one year.

i don't really know how she does it. i don't know how she deals with all my flaws. i don't even know why she loves me except the fact that 'i'm so lovable&such a GREAT catch' *wink wink* (just kidding babe!) you're the catch, not me :)

everyday is an adventure with her even if we see each other every other month or so. i think the distance makes us stronger. i think distance ironically glues us closer. i think it makes us love each other all the more.


i don't think she knows it
but she has changed me--
i guess i just want her to know how grateful i am for it.
because of her... i've grown...
still a kid at heart but i've grown for us
grown for the better of our relationship.
i really don't know how she does it.
my sneaky girl.
what have you done to me?

i've never fallen for anyone after they've fallen for me--
i never thought she could--
but she did...

Gap

I want you...

I let you go...
I'm the fool--
I let you go...
Now i'm missing you

Going crazy
Lack of sleep
I can't eat
Nothing

No you--
Cos it'll always be you

I want you
I want you back...

Punish me for all this
I'll understand

Whatever it takes
Whatever it takes...

I'll find a way to win you back.

Where to?

you and me...
you and me...
me and you...
me and you...

fuck.
i'm an asshole.

me and you...
me and you...
you and me...
just you and me...

together...
just us...
always us...

why did i look the other way?

how could i?
why?

attention--
sometimes i crave the attention

fuck.

what an excuse...
to hurt the one you love.
to hurt the one I LOVE--

what now..?
where to?
what next?

forgiveness?
trust...?

here--
throw it in the waste bin

i made a mistake.
a big mistake.
an awful mistake.

selfish little girl--
fuckin' selfish little girl.

i deserve this.
whatever comes next.
consequences.

we're broken.
you're broken...

i'm sorry...
i'm so so sorry...

Growth

growth...
maybe i've grown a bit--
and it's silly because i can actually feel it.
i feel it inside of me.
i feel the growth around me.

haven't called my best friend in a year
and yesterday i did.
we talked...
and finally listened.

there are some things that we tend to overlook
that we tend to just take for granted

i've done my part.
and i guess i'm just through with it.

i wanna live.
start living and stop regretting.
quit being so cautious and just go with it--
quit hiding and just be deliriously happy.

and i am.
i think i am.
maybe i even believe that i am.

it's her.
she's grown too--
and her growth makes me proud she's mine.
she's gone a long way
...our relationship has too
we needed it--
"the fall"
but now we're back.
which is clearly all that matters.

Playmate :)

everyone needs a playmate :)
someone who'll cheer you up
someone who'll make your day
someone who'll take you away from bittersweet reality

she's my playmate...
my favorite playmate
my 'bestest' playmate

lets play make-believe, okay?
and pretend we live in the same country.

lets play make-believe okay?
okay...?

it's never to late to play... :)

Real Life. Fake Life.

...The stares.
...Stress
This is who I am--
There are times I wanna fight for it
Times when I just wanna run
Run cos it's easy.
Run because it's the fastest way out

Who am I kidding?

I am such a coward--
I am a coward.
It's depressing and sad.
Now I feel sorry for myself.

What a cruel place to live in--
What a cruel body to live in.

People say that you should love yourself--
People say that you shouldn't love yourself too much because if you do,
you'll be considered selfish.
People say...
People say........
What does it matter
Nothing matters.

So what is the right way to live?
Is there such a thing?
Could there be such a thing?
A world without rules
A world with rules.
Where do I belong?
How I will belong?

The people I love the most
Do they love me?
And if they did...
Will they still LOVE me?

I am chained and I am free.
I am clothed and I am naked
I am brave and I am scared
I live two lives
But I live in but one body

I just wanna be happy
I just wanna be with her
Can't YOU just allow it?
Can't you all just let it be...?

I am tired. I don't know who else to please--
Let me be.
I love her--
Just please let me be....

I can't believe i'm posting this... buut

...I love my girl :)

Lovin' It.

if you find real, mind-blowing love
someone you laugh with
someone you can laugh at
someone who laughs at you for the craziest things you do--
if you can sit on a couch and watch
the stupidest 'suspense' movies or thrillers just so you have an 'excuse' to cuddle up--
stay. don't leave. she's perfect...
:)

Silent days

staring into empty chapters
staring into space
string us back together
back together.
*sigh*
together?

these scissors that i've carried all my life--
it hurts too much.
cut cut cut
cut away the pain inside.

i need you
i don't need you
i need you
i know i need you--

fickle. fickle. fickle

cut away the pain

what the heart says
what the mind says

...

The World Without...

can i hide in the corner, close my eyes and just disappear?
can i stay here and try to persuade myself that everything will be all right?
all it takes is time.
time---

this is the waiting period.
you no longer there
me no longer there
we no longer an us.

where?

i still--

where do we go from here.
how do i start over again?
with you no longer around
how?

my friends think i'm perfectly fine.
no time to show any sign of weakness.
i'm moving...
i've got to.
even if i don't want to.
i've got to.....

One. Just One.

it's hard to explain everything--
i have no words left to say.
i'm tired and i feel restless.
i don't wanna feel.
i don't wanna breathe either.
i just wanna sit here and stay still.

is it just me or is everything suddenly in slow motion.
trying to find a reason
something to believe in.

i have nothing left
i have no one left.
i am alone.
alone again.

and it feels---
how does it feel?
it feels like i've gotta be strong again...

Yours... :)

This day has been so damn long! So nothing much. Just felt like writing :) Baby, you better watch rent cos Maureen and Joanne fight exactly the way we do minus the singing! hahaha! Anyways, nothing much babe! You know I love you! mmmmmwah!