One year before...

March 5, 2006..

Time to search my child... it is over. Your hunt is over.
She is gone now.
Search deeper--
You'll eventually find better.

Fear not the darkness for in darkness lies mysteries ready to unfold before your very eyes. She is out there, believe me. Waiting...
Now is your turn to captivate. Now is your turn to teach. Now is your chance to love and be loved in return. Love... it is the easiest form of action... of emotion.
She is there.... She is there.
Wait. Wait for it. Wait for her.
She will be unexpectedly perfect.

You've got it...

Pray. Cos you've forgotten your faith.
Listen-- stop hearing your pathetic pleas.

You've got it.

Wait for her--
She's close by.
Unknown but close by...

Faith... Fate...Wake me up.
...Close by?

I've got time to heal.

Time to wait...

Please come soon...

April 2007

You became my girl... :) see?? it's all about patience baby... trust me when i say this. it was worth the wait and the pain to find you-- thank you for finding me and for saving me.
I love you so so much!

do you know...

do you know how much i love you
that i feel so damn helpless to be this far away from you?
i wanna be with you
every single step of the way...

i wanna be with you..
JUST YOU...

do you know how much you mean to me
your happiness
your sadness
i FEEL...

i'll be with you
no matter what
better or worst
i'm here--

it never has to be during the good times
i'll be with you anytime--

baby...

i'm IN LOVE with YOU--
you hear me???

I am in love with every little piece of you...

I love her...

back to reality--
it hurts
i miss you
i SO miss you...

i went to bed right when i got home and
and i missed you...
i miss sleeping next to you
i miss waking up next to you

*sigh*

I miss you my darlin' baby...

so near yet so far
you know where you stand in my life
only you
just you...

only us
just us...

what we have right now
we'll always have.

you have me babe
and i have you...
there's no one else
there will be no one else...

i love you
and i'll be back soon :)

be happy, babe
cos i'm damn happy i have you--

I think...

i think i'm in love with you...
i think i know i'm in love with you...
i'm cheesy, i know..
but that's what i think.. :)

sooo...lemme change it to..

i know i'm in love with you..
and that i'm damn crazy about you

if you wanna know the whole truth..
i really do think that this...
what we have...
IS possible.

i will stay
i will wait
it doesn't matter what time
where... what place--
i'll always find my way back to you...
just you.

all that matters is us..
OUR trust
what we have...
what we'll always have...

we're different...
WE BOTH know this...
it won't change, tink--
trust me it won't.

...

whatever happens...
i'll never leave you
cos i know you'll never leave me

see, babe..
it's called trust... :)

we have this.
and it's the most amazing thing i know...

goodnight princess... can't wait to be with you tomorrow.. <3

i "hate" you for making me feel this way
... :)

What??!

seriously...?! is there such a thing as a lesbian hair cut???
no really...??
because my friend rosario once told me that mine was definitely a dead giveaway!
i don't think so.. no. mine looks pretty 'girly' to me-- haha! even dakota agreed! so what now?
besides, do you really need a lesbian haircut in order to be labeled a true lesbian?? haha!
nothing much. just that i find this sign really hilarious!
anyways, awww.. i really do miss rosario-- (are you reading this ya homesick woman??) haha!
she's home sick now and i think i will too in a couple of days.
we'll see how it goes.
we'll see how far i can go... :)

night!

My mawnin' call :)

crazy girl!
i thought you wouldn't call--
9 o'clock isn't exactly a "wake-up" call!
but i love ya to death!
the funniest of all!
gettin' me all hyper
gettin' yourself all hyper!
funny funny girl you are!

take a shower already!
we gotta hit the courts and prove somethin'! ;)

...oh yeah and quit bumpin' your head!
haha!

Where am I?

what's new?
i never know what i want--
i know it and yet i never seem to want to admit it.

am i scared?
am i?

running again

damn.
i hate running.

it's these damn scared shoes i own
i gotta throw them soon

throw them out the window

they were the shoes i wore last year
with her
now her
and the next her?

you've gotta be kidding me!

tomorrow, i throw these shoes away...
it ain't happening again.

i'm getting what i want.

I want you to know...

that i'm travel'n off to some place--
but I'll be back sooner than you think :)

btw, check out my absolute favorite commercial now--
awww... wishin' i could find someone to spend an anniversary with real real soon :)

Chosen space

Choosing between living in the bright lights or the dim country lights--

I honestly don’t get this life I’m living in the city. The kind of calm aura this place sends off. No... I only get it here. In this four-storey home my grandparents live in...

I can’t deny that three whole days in this place can get boring, but the truth is, there’s so much to do. So much space to move around... so many people to talk to, be with, and get to know. It’s nothing like the city where everyone knows everyone, where everyone has to care about everyone, where people live to gossip just be in the damn spotlight...

In this place... this town, you can be whomever you want to be and no one would care less.

That is, if they aren’t city folk

Don’t get me wrong. I love where I live. I do love the city. I love the fact that the mall is actually my backyard. But the truth is, I could actually live far from a place where constant noise is the root and soul of its purpose.

And so tomorrow I go back, back to the bright, bright lights..

Back to reality, back to where I belong.

*Things i've gotta do this summer... :)

1.) i have to at least once in my life go skinny dippin! haha! (anyone wanna join me??)
2.) go exercise everyday!-- dakota, you're my jogging partner! no complaining!
3.) get the red billabong bikini this monday!
4.) go wakeboarding...
5.) get a tan (even if i have one all year round--haha!)
6.) save money for 'the nikon' camera... :) (goal of the year! it's gonna happen!!)
7.) find someone... (even if people keep saying i shouldn't look.. i think i should!) haha! such stubborn schmuck, huh? naaah, i'm just impatient. fine. i'll just sit around and wait. :)
8.) go boxing after i travel... but i don't know? i feel like i'm gonna attend like a few sessions and just quit... i get bored easily :( so maybe i should just go get a...
9.) jump rope! believe it or not, it's a great workout! i used to do jump ropes
when i used to play tennis.
10.) hmmmm.. whatelse? quit smoking? (yeah right.. no but i will once i find that person)
11.) go make someone happy... ya know who ya are :) haha! can't wait babe!
12.) go to the beach! lotsa beaches!
13.) Shop, shop and shop!
14.) Go do something waaaay crazy! I don't know what though!
15.) Roadtrip with the guys
16.) Lastly... just have fun!

Thoughts of...

on the way home from school, i thought of M and my heart stopped--
no.
it ached.
it's been a while since i last thought of him...

i guess the wounds haven't healed.

i don't cry anymore.
that's a fact.

i guess i just don't 'think-think' about it
i haven't really.
even tonight doesn't count--

i still believe him to be alive
somewhere lost in the middle of the world
i don't want him gone
i never want him gone

i'm missing you so much M...

it's summer now.
nothing much.
i just thought of you...
we're 'summer' people, remember?

i love you so much.

At 10:15 I am craaaaving for...

1.) STARBUCKS! (because of you, carrie! thanks a lot for the 'juju' comment!)
2.) To end this week--2 days before summer!! Someone zap me to Saturday!
3.) New Billabong Boardshorts
4.) Krispy Kreme... *sigh*
5.) DVD shopping..
6.) To hit the beach with my friends :)
7.) To buy a new digital camera
8.) To finally fly to... ________ (ain't tellin' ya where i'm going!)
9.) Real Loooove :)
10.) Forgiveness... cos I don't wanna stay too mad at her
11.) To hug my best friend... :)
12.) To buy Nike Dunks!
13.) aaaaand Mandy Musgrave. She's hot!

:)

*I don't...

Forget that I even gave a **** about you.
You don't matter anymore.

It's over.

Indifference, you've got it!

...

"because I want you
but I don't wanna hurt you..."

What comes around goes back around

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

Can't Sleep

I'm tired of sleeping.
I don't want to sleep and yet there's nothing to do at this time of night--

I should have gone out with them...
With her...
Could have watched a movie or something.

I know they are.

But I need the "rest" because I'm tired of sleeping-- do I make sense?

The whole of next week's exam week...
One week of studying, One week.
JUST A WEEK and I'm through for another good 2 months.

Summer in 1 week...
Freedom in 26 days...

Why do I sound so damn tired?

I don't wanna sleep tonight--
Stay awake with me?

Why

can someone actually save me?
could you?

should i give you a chance to change me?

should i give myself a chance to change?


you confuse me too--


fight for me and we'll see...

we'll see--

i don't know.

i just might be open for change

Last one... I promise

this'll be the last time i'm ever gonna write about you.
hold on to this.
cos this will hurt a bit.

you ready?



...


























you get it?

Pulling The Trigger

you're pretty
and you're ugly
you're pretty and you're ugly
in my eyes your beauty radiates
you hardly notice
you hardly believe
you hardly see.
i give you a teaspoon of hope
you never fail to push it away...

why is it?

is it because you want nothing of me...?

but these things were never in the picture to begin with
what happened?
where are you?
...who are you?

i looked at you...
you were to me a blank sheet of paper
you looked at me...
and i had a billion scribbles and notes all over

that's reality... i know.

know for a fact that it ain't over.
you and i... no.

you're a genius
go figure...

but for a first, i'll give the you answer...
after all, you never fail to share your calculations :)

...i ain't letting go.

keep your boat anchored.
i'll be back soon.