Writing again

she makes me feel happy--
and this is why i'm writing...

i've been day-dreaming a lot...thinking about her all day, thinking about seeing her, thinking about having our one-year anniversary dinner together in her city. everything with her truly is a first. i've never been in a relationship with anyone for this long. but for some reason, she got me to stay and just be with her. we really fought to stay together. 11 months and counting. i can't wait for our one-year. we're both waiting for our one year.

i don't really know how she does it. i don't know how she deals with all my flaws. i don't even know why she loves me except the fact that 'i'm so lovable&such a GREAT catch' *wink wink* (just kidding babe!) you're the catch, not me :)

everyday is an adventure with her even if we see each other every other month or so. i think the distance makes us stronger. i think distance ironically glues us closer. i think it makes us love each other all the more.


i don't think she knows it
but she has changed me--
i guess i just want her to know how grateful i am for it.
because of her... i've grown...
still a kid at heart but i've grown for us
grown for the better of our relationship.
i really don't know how she does it.
my sneaky girl.
what have you done to me?

i've never fallen for anyone after they've fallen for me--
i never thought she could--
but she did...

Gap

I want you...

I let you go...
I'm the fool--
I let you go...
Now i'm missing you

Going crazy
Lack of sleep
I can't eat
Nothing

No you--
Cos it'll always be you

I want you
I want you back...

Punish me for all this
I'll understand

Whatever it takes
Whatever it takes...

I'll find a way to win you back.

Where to?

you and me...
you and me...
me and you...
me and you...

fuck.
i'm an asshole.

me and you...
me and you...
you and me...
just you and me...

together...
just us...
always us...

why did i look the other way?

how could i?
why?

attention--
sometimes i crave the attention

fuck.

what an excuse...
to hurt the one you love.
to hurt the one I LOVE--

what now..?
where to?
what next?

forgiveness?
trust...?

here--
throw it in the waste bin

i made a mistake.
a big mistake.
an awful mistake.

selfish little girl--
fuckin' selfish little girl.

i deserve this.
whatever comes next.
consequences.

we're broken.
you're broken...

i'm sorry...
i'm so so sorry...

Growth

growth...
maybe i've grown a bit--
and it's silly because i can actually feel it.
i feel it inside of me.
i feel the growth around me.

haven't called my best friend in a year
and yesterday i did.
we talked...
and finally listened.

there are some things that we tend to overlook
that we tend to just take for granted

i've done my part.
and i guess i'm just through with it.

i wanna live.
start living and stop regretting.
quit being so cautious and just go with it--
quit hiding and just be deliriously happy.

and i am.
i think i am.
maybe i even believe that i am.

it's her.
she's grown too--
and her growth makes me proud she's mine.
she's gone a long way
...our relationship has too
we needed it--
"the fall"
but now we're back.
which is clearly all that matters.

Playmate :)

everyone needs a playmate :)
someone who'll cheer you up
someone who'll make your day
someone who'll take you away from bittersweet reality

she's my playmate...
my favorite playmate
my 'bestest' playmate

lets play make-believe, okay?
and pretend we live in the same country.

lets play make-believe okay?
okay...?

it's never to late to play... :)

Real Life. Fake Life.

...The stares.
...Stress
This is who I am--
There are times I wanna fight for it
Times when I just wanna run
Run cos it's easy.
Run because it's the fastest way out

Who am I kidding?

I am such a coward--
I am a coward.
It's depressing and sad.
Now I feel sorry for myself.

What a cruel place to live in--
What a cruel body to live in.

People say that you should love yourself--
People say that you shouldn't love yourself too much because if you do,
you'll be considered selfish.
People say...
People say........
What does it matter
Nothing matters.

So what is the right way to live?
Is there such a thing?
Could there be such a thing?
A world without rules
A world with rules.
Where do I belong?
How I will belong?

The people I love the most
Do they love me?
And if they did...
Will they still LOVE me?

I am chained and I am free.
I am clothed and I am naked
I am brave and I am scared
I live two lives
But I live in but one body

I just wanna be happy
I just wanna be with her
Can't YOU just allow it?
Can't you all just let it be...?

I am tired. I don't know who else to please--
Let me be.
I love her--
Just please let me be....

I can't believe i'm posting this... buut

...I love my girl :)

Lovin' It.

if you find real, mind-blowing love
someone you laugh with
someone you can laugh at
someone who laughs at you for the craziest things you do--
if you can sit on a couch and watch
the stupidest 'suspense' movies or thrillers just so you have an 'excuse' to cuddle up--
stay. don't leave. she's perfect...
:)

Silent days

staring into empty chapters
staring into space
string us back together
back together.
*sigh*
together?

these scissors that i've carried all my life--
it hurts too much.
cut cut cut
cut away the pain inside.

i need you
i don't need you
i need you
i know i need you--

fickle. fickle. fickle

cut away the pain

what the heart says
what the mind says

...

The World Without...

can i hide in the corner, close my eyes and just disappear?
can i stay here and try to persuade myself that everything will be all right?
all it takes is time.
time---

this is the waiting period.
you no longer there
me no longer there
we no longer an us.

where?

i still--

where do we go from here.
how do i start over again?
with you no longer around
how?

my friends think i'm perfectly fine.
no time to show any sign of weakness.
i'm moving...
i've got to.
even if i don't want to.
i've got to.....

One. Just One.

it's hard to explain everything--
i have no words left to say.
i'm tired and i feel restless.
i don't wanna feel.
i don't wanna breathe either.
i just wanna sit here and stay still.

is it just me or is everything suddenly in slow motion.
trying to find a reason
something to believe in.

i have nothing left
i have no one left.
i am alone.
alone again.

and it feels---
how does it feel?
it feels like i've gotta be strong again...

Yours... :)

This day has been so damn long! So nothing much. Just felt like writing :) Baby, you better watch rent cos Maureen and Joanne fight exactly the way we do minus the singing! hahaha! Anyways, nothing much babe! You know I love you! mmmmmwah!

Me and You... :)

We have to talk...
I have to tell you something
Look at me-- :)
Promise me you wont frown or sigh?

ya prrrromise???


Okaaay...


your pet's gonna be very busy this week...

very
very very busy--

think you can wait for your pet to finish her work? :)

Love lots,

your lovable pet...Muffy :)

Think--

Think.
Think.
Come on now-- Think!
I gotta think straight.
Gotta make this work.
'and being caught in between all you wish for and all you need'
I don't know where to turn any longer.
A plastered smile on my face.
I've mastered it.
I've gotten used to it--
It doesn't hurt to pretend any longer
It is my mask.
My protection.

I have never loved this much.

Where is she...?
My love?
Where has she gone off to?
Have you seen my love?

I think I pushed her away...
I think...
I think...

I shouldn't think.

A rush of pain--
Numb yourself
Come on.
I've done this countless times before.

Don't hurt...
Don't breathe..
Just don't--

Feelings that won't ever die--
Just you...
Just me.
Just us...

I miss you-- :,(
so so much

Just because i'm such a kid... :)

*this is the monsterism collection :) check out the blue horse lookin' thing!*

*looks familiar?? my first designer toy*

*tokidoki collection*

i don't know why but these toys make me real happy-- it's probably the love for design and art :)



if you wanna know more about these toys, check these links out :)
http://www.monsterism.net/links.html
http://www.kidrobot.com/

Back to you...

how do i find my way back to you?
back to how it all was?
how do i take away the pain and make it better?
how can i make it better for you?

i never meant to hurt you this much
break my promises...
i never...

forgive me?
forgive me...

i will always find my way back to you--

i love you my babyy...

Will you remember?

i don't understand--
fear?
i'm scared--
i'm scared of making it without you
i wanna pull you back...
i wanna hold you
hold you so close and never let you go

but the future...
it scares...
it scares me
so so much

i don't want you to go
but i have to go
how selfish can i get?
how can put a stop to this?
set you free
set you free so you can live a better life.

what is this pain?

i'm restless...
i'm weak.
i'm nothing without you--

what the fuck is wrong with me...?

god, i need you--

*A world without a purpose

it's not that i don't know...
not that i never felt it...
please know...
please know......
please just know......
follow your instincts...
the connection that has always existed
will never cease
will never ever cease to exist...

so as my love for you...
my love for you...
all my---

it hurts...
i don't want to...
but i have to....
i really have to--

it hurts so so much...

i woke up so early today...
earlier than usual--
and i craved so much to be beside you--
i wanted to hold you hand,
kiss you...
touch you...
i love everything about you--
but reality...
sweet sweet reality...

something had already been done...
something that had already ripped your heart...
you and me apart--

why do bad things happen to good people?
you are the good one...
the perfect one...
you are the one....

forgive me...
please forgive me for hurting you this way...
please please please.... my....
my--
it hurts so much not to be able to call you mine...

don't forget...
please don't forget...
please please don't ever forget
never forget...
because i won't...
i won't ever--

never again.
not with anyone.
it's you--
it'll always be you---

how can i get through this?
walk without you?
how can i not love you
when it lives so so so deep within me...
you know within your heart
search down within your heart
and you will find the answer
it's not easy
it's not easy to go----
it's never gonna be easy to walk away
it's never gonna be easy
never...

i'm sorry...

this is for us---

i will find a way.......
i will always find a way....
and if the time comes that you still might love me...

...
...
...

thank you....so so much.

keep my heart--
keep it...
it's yours...
it has always been yours....

Hit the pause button

how does it feel when you're gone? i don't wanna rummage through my thoughts-- i don't wanna think. i don't wanna feel. i don't wanna move. i don't want anything else but you. it scares me to think. it scares me to move. it scares me to breathe, to feel... i don't wanna feel. i wanna sit here and be numb but i'm not. i can't. i keeping feeling-- feeling you in every inch of my body, my soul. so close and yet so far. that's how it's been in my world the moment i got into that cab yesterday afternoon... i drove away and my heart broke into a million pieces watching you fight of 'reality'. watching myself fight off the pain that that was to be the last time-- the last time until...

'life is full of surprises'... we never know what's to come.

i can still taste you... i can still feel you, smell you... i can love you, you know? i can love you forever. some people have stopped believing in forever. jaded by bad experiences. but i do believe in forever. i do believe in it most especially when it comes to you.

we fit so well and it's undeniable. the way we are. the way we are when we're together. everything just falls into place. we're the lucky ones, aren't we? bounded by love and unkindly separated by distance. how are we to thank life? how are we to thank Fate? how are we to thank for Fate... or Life to be cruel and kind?

i love you.
i'll always love you.

i do believe in the 3 weeks we had together we grew. we really grew.

i grew.

my love for you grew.

<3>