My Christmas Prayer

Pray.

People find themselves this Christmas…

Like any other Christmas,

Praying…

Praying to be found

Praying to be won

Praying for acceptance

Praying to be kept safe

Praying for happiness

Praying to be comforted

Praying to be loved

…Praying

Praying to find some sort of peace within themselves…

…Praying—

And I’ve seen myself praying…

In my sleep I pray

In daylight,

As I speak, walk…

The prayer in my head goes on and on…

Waiting to be heard—

Waiting in line to be granted…

The prayer in my mind

Has been my prayer since birth…

To find peace

To be loved

To be comforted

To find happiness

To be kept safe

To be accepted

To be won

And to be found

Pray.

The prayer deep within…

The prayer…

The prayer that I want Him to hear if He does has the ears to listen…

If He does have the heart to grant…

How can something so right be so wrong…?

I hope He understands,

I hope He knows it’s what I feel is right—

My Faith tested.

And yet, prayer is the only thing that keeps me grounded.

So pray.

Pray this Christmas…

Pray.

It might be the only thing you have left to say—

…even to the air

And so I pray this Christmas,

That next Christmas

I might have the prayer

My prayer and even yours…

Answered

*a billion people on this earth, and I bump into you--

"Second star to the right, and straight on til morning..."
ya know alavyah Tink.. :)


*

To build...

How do you build a house for someone you love…?

How do you imagine it to look like, feel like… smell like… taste like--?

Interior to exterior…

Moving in and out—

A mind game…

A puzzle…

How would you want her to feel when she first sets her eyes on it?

How would you want her to feel when she first enters it,

when she first moves into it,

when she walks out of it,

and when she begins to create her personal spaces inside it?

How would you…?

Imagine her walking in.

Smiling…

Taking it all in…

Breathing into it---

Developing a secret bond with the structure …

How I’d love to build a house for her…

A house she’d love.

A house I’d love for her to live in.

A house we could one day both live in.

A home…

She, my home…

And my home…hers

...
How do you build a house for someone you love?

...you wait until She comes.

Inhale-Exhale

no one knows what they've got until its gone.
at least now I know what I've got.
I have it here with me and I'm definitely keeping it safe in a box.

my heart.
I'll keep it safe in a box.
safe where it chooses not to be hurt.
safe.
plain safe.
doesn't have to be 'fancy-safe'.
just safe.
'everyday' safe...

spending the morning with her was nice...
this is what we call 'safe'...
it made me realize I could make her happy even without a title.
plain safe...
finally accepting her as a friend...
'everyday' safe...

Inhale... Exhale...

friends, right?

....

okay... i'll be your friend.


*

Sometimes, the world isn't yours to keep...

i heard her crying across the street a few hours ago--
more like wailing...
the kind of pain you don't hear everyday...
it's the sort of pain you never want to experience.

...being blind
how long has she been blind?
crying her eyes out... how ironic.
wailing, screaming...
not being able to express the feelings trapped inside her miserable soul.

i pity the sound she cries out to the world around her.
it reaches my world and somehow i forget about being happy
and think of her own dying happiness...

sometimes, the world no matter how much you want it
is not ours to keep--
there are others who suffer
there are others we must never forget.

and so tonight, before i lay myself to sleep,
a li'l prayer for this special girl across the street--
that through her blindness she may find some sort of light...

Next stop... Never, Neverland... *POOF!*

One tiny, tiny fairy's soooo damn 'miss-able'
...Anyone know where she went?
Cos ya see here, I'm missing my twin.
...sorta like my best friend.

Miss you, tink! ;)

No more drama in my life... :)

Things have been a lot better--
I know now what I want...
I know now how to get it...

I want you to learn the secret of life.
It ain't a mystery.
It ain't anything special.
We have it within.
All you need is to reach it.
Want it.
Desire it.

"To visualize is to materialize..."

Believe it exists.
And it shall be yours...

"I wanna go to the beach... *sigh*"

What happens next!

after completely draining myself doing school work, I decided to sit, relax and finish the last two episodes of lost's 2nd season-- i'm tellin' ya, this show is awesome! I can't believe Ana Lucia's dead though! She was practically one of the main reasons why I started watching lost! anyways, it's all good... Jack's hot so it's all good! dakota, ya better have season 3 for me! ;)

yeaaaah... i'm pretty drained right now but feelin' a lot better. exercising does the trick! it helps me forget... it helps me look forward to something better...

by the way, hope ya'll like the new videos... always loved dave matthews!

dirty laundry

peel my clothes off...
and make me peel your clothes off...

you can't hide these feelings from me.
i can see right through you.
tell me what you want.
and i'll try my best to understand...

i'm naked
not jaded...

i'm naked
damn jaded.

... :)

Thank you for makin’ me happy today…

You…

My so-called twin...

Almost like a best friend…

My travel buddy someday…

Peter Pan's actually a girl, ya know?

You Tink.

Thanks for watchin' my back :)

'Devil's Playground'

‘Suppress all feelings…’

It doesn’t help to suppress these feelings, Mom…

No one chooses to live a hard life.

Do you actually think I’d want this?

Do you actually believe I’d wanna live this way?

Fear—

This is all I have…

Please don’t add up to it.

Just because no one in your family’s gay, doesn’t mean you can’t order your own daughter to ‘stay straight’…

Mother, I’ve known all my life—

And trust me, it ain’t the ‘Devil’…

Believe me, it isn’t the fuckin’ Devil’s plans to wreak “my future in heaven”.

I know my heaven.

I know where it exists.

It is nowhere you know of where you think or believe I belong.

didn't your mother teach you not to let strangers into your house?

I can't believe it's already been a year! haha! that was one unexpected message but it really made me laugh-- thanks carrie! i'm gonna post it for the world to see!

"a year i met a crazy, crying stranger. this crazy, crying stranger got locked outta her apartment so i let crazy, crying stranger sleep at my house. crazy, crying stranger has gone through a lot like-- her hopeless romantic stage and the death of her ______. now, exactly a year after I met her, crazy, crying stranger is still crazy, still crying, but no longer a stranger... she's just strange! haha! it's been one year!"
-Carrie
one year aready??!
damn... feels like yesterday!
thanks for sticking around!

Changes...

If you're reading this, don't worry... it's done.
I'm over it--
We're good friends... :)
I've accepted it.

"...cos for some unknown reason our status will remain as friends." *spill canvas

You're happier with her...
I SEE it.
I ain't bitter anymore,
I'm happy for you both.




She's great for you and vice versa.
I wish you lots, and lots of happy days together...

Be safe.
I'll always be around.
You know it.
Yeaaah... you know it...

(oh to all ya readers out there...check out my new fave vid of the week! it's incredibly funny!! cheers!)

Enough Inspiration... :)

Say it with me...
'It's time to exercise!'
haha!

It hurts-- however not so much anymore

that was a harsh post, I know... but there are things you see and some things that you don't--

hate was a strong word to use...
however it was hatred that I felt at that moment...

but i've learned that inside hate resides love--

The tears that just don't wanna come out--

I HATE MY MOTHER

A pirate's life for me!

Back to reality--
The beach was great.
The sun.
The sand.
The waves.

Thoughts of her.
Many..
Many thoughts of her.
But all thoughts can be controlled...
However, I chose to let it flow.

*sigh*

I'm fallin' asleep while writing this so i'm just gonna end by saying goodnight to ya'll...
Hope ya guys like the new videos

"They don't love ya like I love ya.." :)

Talk is cheap

Clear the noise...

I give up... Talk is cheap. Listening to all this bull's killing me. Why should I even care? I have my whole life to live. I don't need to know what other people say or do. I don't. But why is it that words affect me? Why is it that words affect us so greatly? What's so special about words? What's so special about these damn words?

These people we all try to please... they are those who are never contented. So why try? Why try so hard to please? Isn't it their own f*ckin' problem they're never happy? Why should we be on the frontlines? Why should we be their offence and defence..? Why should we?

*And God--
God, my dear God... I know nothing of you and yet you know me completely...
It tempts me to stop believing...
This faith nails me to an empty cross

...My cross.

If lie is a sin
Then surely this life I'm living is a lie--

Therefore I am your sinner...

Talk is cheap,
This will all be done by the time I fall asleep...

Goblins. Witches. & Ghosts.

Happy Halloween! Dinner was great. The whole family attended. I haven't seen everyone for quite a while so it was nice. Glad I came. Glad my mother forced me to come. 2 more days until the beach-- can't wait! Naaah. I'm being sarcastic here. Or... sorta? Okay, I love what the beach has to offer so maybe I shouldn't be so negative about it, huh? All right then. Off to the beach on thursday morning and although 'she's' not gonna be there this year, i'll find a way to make the trip worthwhile.

Oh and this song's been stuck in my head all day-- so i'm just gonna paste the lyrics here. :) It's called 'secret oath' by spill canvas... Check it out on my pandora account ('thebrattydesign')

"Secret Oath"
I'm rackin my brain
trying to comprehend
how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends
I'm destroying my mind trying to understand
how with little to no effort you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands
There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next
you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet
Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

We're murdering our lives trying to make it work,
but you and I both know that we are a lost cause
and nothing more than specks on this Earth

There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next you're my beloved,
you just don't know it yet

Tonight I made a secret oath to keep chasing after you and I am not going to stop whether you like it or not Tonight I made a secret oath to keep chasing after you and I am not going to stop whether you like it or not

Yeah I know you listen to this all alone up in your room
I know you love how all this music's about you

Tears and Fears

"there are two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams; believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expect it..." -Coelho

Blood, tears and fears...
It's what stops us from moving forward--

*It's what stops me--

It's the barrier we all face--

*Turning around for the nearest exit

It blocks us away from what we truly want...

I'm done.
She's done.
*

Book closed.

In for a kill--
Maybe I should just quit?

Opening my eyes for the target.
I don't know what I want any longer...

She's happy now--

I should too.

Wake up...

Just f*ckin' wake up.

South of Nowhere

You've gotta watch this show! It's waaaaaay awesome!! I loooove Ashley!
Can someone say... Hottie!

*i'm gonna be posting more videos soon...!*

Under the street light

Me.

Just me.

I've quit.

It makes me

Feel better.

Stronger.

Happier.















Suffocating is overrated...

Say your last goodbye.

The last.

My last.

"Save your love for the lasting one"

Picture me-- I picture you...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I want my own...

Earth

Light

Sky

Sun

Run

60 dollar NY chucks

Soccer shoes digging holes into the earth,
Eyes set on the sky, beads of sweat from the heat of the sun,
Run...
Run these thoughts away--
So you still miss her...
The unknown finally gives into the light
Now you see
Now you understand
Ipod in hand
Superman
'It's not easy to be me'

Shut up
Keep watching
Wait
Eyes Open
Listen
Pray
Dream
Play
Stay
That
There
Here
Where?
When?
Who
Will
Be
Around
*
Love
&
Hate
...
:)

Alone time :)

The days have been great even with an empty love life. Maybe this is exactly what people need sometimes. It isn’t a someone or anyone—it’s ourselves. I mean, how hard could it be to find oneself. Sit anywhere you choose and you’ll surely find... YOU.

I’ve been out a lot—it always helps to go out spontaneously. You know what I mean, right? It’s when you don’t even know where you’re going… it’s simply just going where the world takes you. It’s the kind of phenomenon that ‘gets to you’—the healing effect of it and a strong reminder that planning things in advance gets bloody old and boring.

I bumped into someone unexpectedly last Friday night. She was someone I had a ‘pretend’ crush on. It was stupid really… it was only because I wanted Alex outta my mind. Anyway, past is past—I bumped into her and I don’t know. She’s pretty awesome. But like I said, I don’t know just yet. Don’t ask me because I am one fickle minded woman and damn. Just… Shhh… don’t ask me.

Just the other day, I had lunch with Carrie. It was fun—Japanese food is always something to look forward to and so we had lunch at this little nice Japanese restaurant in the mall.

We watched the Departed afterward—I highly recommend this movie so get your ass off that chair your sitting on and hit the cinemas! It’s one great movie!

I'm leaving for the beach in a couple of days and so i'm excited about it. The thing is, still got no one special to take with me-- we'll see... we'll see.

The song that keeps playing in my head...lemme share it with ya guys!

Never Leave Your Heart Alone
Butterfly Boucher

And it's open
For distraction
You found all the words you need
Well I found nothing
I just grumble
'cause I don't know what I feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella
Fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly
To start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make!

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice

Never leave your heart
...Never leave your heart... alone

Am I frozen?
But it's summer!
Is that rain or is it me?
Yes I'm melting
Please be happy
One day
We just might swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up with cold cold ice

Never leave your heart
...Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

I stand by the door-- Attached and unwanted.

Attached and disturbed by your presence.

Attached--

How I got here...
It lies beyond the borders of reason--

I know nothing of how I was cast here...

And now I wait in silence for your return...

Somewhat attached--

In simpler and honest terms... Yes. Plain attached. Attached for all the right and wrong choices of being in this place...

In dreams, I might somehow find you--
Until I wake,
You... no longer there...

The friends that keep me sane... :)

*Eating grilled cheese, fries and chinese take-out... cramming for this stupid project at school... laughing at a Johnny Depp Paperdoll (don't ask why!) :) , singing nostalgic backstreet boys and spice girls songs... taking breaks watching Angelina Jolie and Idina Menzel interviews and video clips, listenin' to the freakin soundtrack of memoirs of a geisha... My friends... These two friends of mine are irreplaceable!

If there comes a person in my life-- these two would have to be the judge. Knowing me, when I fall... I fall without a head to balance the body that carries my crazy heart.. hahaha!
Cheesy Ass! I'm just waaaay happy they're here to stay! :)

And in times when we forget about everyone else but ourselves, it helps to watch a person give so much… care so much… love so much-- because it brings us to remember that the world is not ours alone, and that there are people who need more than we do.

…That at the end of the day, we must not always complain in the comfort of our homes, for there are those who suffer a far greater deal of pain in the outskirts of our tiny, egoistical worlds.

…I’m gonna meet Angelina someday.

My so-called perfect life... ya right!

This song goes out to every 'blinded' girl and boy...
To me...
To you...
To her...
To him...

Whatelse is left to do...?
Open your eyes.... :)







"Open Your Eyes" Snow Patrol

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cos they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

What does it take?

‘To be found.

How long will it take to be found?

We all sit on the ground waiting…

Waiting for someone to choose us.

Pick me.’

I’m sleepy outta my mind but I don’t wanna log off unless I post something up. I guess today was a good day. I went to school, saw my blockmates, some friends, some close friends, some prospects… hmmmm… it’s crazy hell that only a few people KNOW about me. However, I don’t really care if people find out. The only people I’m really concerned about are my parents. What will they think? Will they understand? Will they accept me for me?

It somehow tears me and the things that I want and dream for myself… I remember talking to Alex about these two roads. One road that leads off to the road of my parents’ wishes for me and the other, off to the direction towards my own true happiness.

I know that whatever happens, I’ll have to choose my parents. I don’t know why, but I think it’s because I love them too much… I may not show it, but I do.

But maybe I just haven’t found that person yet…

Maybe there still might be hope.

We’ll see.

We’ll see…

--Take me to the beach. I need to clear my mind. 2 weeks!

sometimes things happen for a reason... (come on, we all know that!) maybe this was a good thing. maybe I shouldn't have made a move on my sister's friend-- ha! yeah... talk about desperation. still. I should sit and wait this out. :)

damn. break's coming up soon and i'm so ready to hit the beach, get a new bikini, and hot new boardshorts! *sigh* I wanna zap myself to next, next week!

so this is what I get for over-analyzing my actions and my thoughts. I become psycho. so what? it's fun to be crazy sometimes.

my deal with myself:

i'm gonna quit looking and start LIVING.

that's just that. I owe it to myself and the friends that keep me glued to earth...

I'm happy, ya know? I really am.
for once, I see Fate on my side whether these happenings mean something or nothing at all...

peace out.
see ya'll tomorrow.

Save me the Golden Egg

I haven't written anything in the past few weeks... Why's that? I've decided to write only when I'm happy-- I can't continue this sad journey any longer. I can't breathe this way... I can't move... I can't think. Life is far easier when you've got a head strong gameface... a happy gameface. One that wills to survive-- one who wills to make things happen for herself! That's gonna be me. Save me the Golden Egg... You've been to one of those Easter Egg Hunts--With your decorated basket at hand, you KNOW you want it. The Golden Egg. The First Prize! It doesn't change. There are people BORN to win these contests, games... whatever you wanna call it. There are people who don't-- not because they're unlucky, but they just don't know what they want... Believe me when I say this... you can actually GET everything you want if you put your mind to it. To that girl who wants her girlfriend back, you have to WANT her back-- don't quit if you don't wanna lose her. That's just that. Eye on the PRIZE. Search for the Golden Egg-- it's waiting for you, it's waiting for me, it's waiting for all of us... It all depends on who wants it the MOST.

I want MY Golden Egg... and I will find it--

Sometimes, often times, it isn't fair...

There's some sort of feeling floating deep within me and I can't seem to get what it is. It's this sickness of going-with-the-flow. Sure, it eliminates sleepless nights driven by too much unnecessary thoughts, but at the end of the day, it sure helps to know what it is I really feel. This girl once said that I am fabulously talented at pretending--hiding. I knew she was right. There are instances where I see it boldly etched in me. The fact that I can't cry in front of the people that really matter to me, the reasons why I constantly run away from things and people that make me feel uncomfortable and why it's so difficult for me to apologize and eat my pride with those that I REALLY care about. I am someone who hides, who's hidden in so many ways, and who's damn aware of this reality within me. Maybe this is why I can't find love-- Maybe it's because I can't find me... They say that you can only find love if one knows thyself. What if it takes me forever to find me...? It's not so easy, isn't it? The time it takes to learn about yourself... It's like doing immense researching on your given project or a thesis-- Preparing yourself for the final deliberation-- You don't wanna get caught with questions you know nothing of.

Failure is not an exception.

You have to defend yourself-- when should one quit researching and over-analyzing herself? The truth is... I don't know? I don't know... I care to know but I don't care to know... I love but I don't love...
...me.

Headspin!

It’s been a pattern, a statement my mind’s been ‘banging’ signals in my head. So I choose to love those that are in their so-called relationships. What now? Shoot me.

If you think your day was a challenge, try living mine. If you’ve got two personalities, come join the club. It’s rather difficult to be living two lives at once.

So come and show me why. You hardly make my heart stop, could it be true, could I really be into you?

But these feelings, controlled as they are, might be real. I smile at you and you smile back at me. Eyes… you can tell from them.—It shapes the lies you can never hide.

Watchtower

So hide.

Hide those eyes.

I can understand now,

Even if you try holding my hand,

How I pull myself away just to try and make you feel

I haven’t fallen

Fallen into you…

And if you think you’ve won,

You may be right,

But feelings are fleeting

And feelings can change

However these feelings can deceive

Either me or you.

Busy life

Your busy life can’t keep me in

You pass me

As a make a pass at you

Asking you to stay,

You rush off to your next class

I get left behind

Like I always do

It’s never really me…

Always the one left standing

Watching

Waiting

Till the next ship sails,

Hits the shore

Tearing down the walls...

*Sushi’s sleeping over Vince’s place. I don’t know whether I should be happy for her, or envious because I know how it feels to be around her-- and he’ll be laying there with her sleeping on his bed, and I’ll be laying on my own tonight, thinking of all the possible things they could be doing…

He won’t be able to let go…

She works her charm

She’s disarming…

Tomorrow will be another week filled with… what…?

I don’t even like-like her…

I don’t know why I like her, or why I might not?

All I know is that I don’t know what brought me to this point of fucking jealousy.

I gotta keep running, running these thoughts away.

Replace them with the physical pain it takes to run 10 laps, lift weights, do 50 crunches, 50 sit-ups, and some lower ‘ab’ exercises. I guess this is the only way I can divert my thoughts. It helps. So to all those with problems concerning thinking too much, one word… RUN!—

It will help chase away these negative thoughts.

Nick’s back and he’s been… no… not dropping signs of interest but he’s around. It’s cool, it’s fine… I mean, I’m not quite ready for any girl to guy relationship just yet. I’m still in this, “I-won’t-be-able-to-marry-a-guy-unless-I-go-through-a-girl2girl-relationship”… Rosario knows this, thank god she doesn’t think I’m crazy.

It’s the fact that I don’t trust myself enough to believe that I won’t be able to stay faithful to my future husband unless I get this whole bisexual thing done and over with.

--outta my system.

This is me. I have to be ‘in’ a situation in order to believe it exists. I’m not the kind of person who watches things happen. As much as possible, I like to taste, see, smell, hear and touch it…

*How do you end up loving a song? …screw the melody and all that musical crap, its the damn lyrics right? Well, this song never really ‘hit’ me until I saw the video on VH1.

This song goes out to Sushi and to all those that feel a sense of stupid, uncalled for jealousy! This is what we all call, ‘Karma’.

*Come on, admit it! We’ve all tried getting this one person jealous… my point is, it sucks when the roles are reversed--

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside