Sometimes, often times, it isn't fair...

There's some sort of feeling floating deep within me and I can't seem to get what it is. It's this sickness of going-with-the-flow. Sure, it eliminates sleepless nights driven by too much unnecessary thoughts, but at the end of the day, it sure helps to know what it is I really feel. This girl once said that I am fabulously talented at pretending--hiding. I knew she was right. There are instances where I see it boldly etched in me. The fact that I can't cry in front of the people that really matter to me, the reasons why I constantly run away from things and people that make me feel uncomfortable and why it's so difficult for me to apologize and eat my pride with those that I REALLY care about. I am someone who hides, who's hidden in so many ways, and who's damn aware of this reality within me. Maybe this is why I can't find love-- Maybe it's because I can't find me... They say that you can only find love if one knows thyself. What if it takes me forever to find me...? It's not so easy, isn't it? The time it takes to learn about yourself... It's like doing immense researching on your given project or a thesis-- Preparing yourself for the final deliberation-- You don't wanna get caught with questions you know nothing of.

Failure is not an exception.

You have to defend yourself-- when should one quit researching and over-analyzing herself? The truth is... I don't know? I don't know... I care to know but I don't care to know... I love but I don't love...
...me.

Headspin!

It’s been a pattern, a statement my mind’s been ‘banging’ signals in my head. So I choose to love those that are in their so-called relationships. What now? Shoot me.

If you think your day was a challenge, try living mine. If you’ve got two personalities, come join the club. It’s rather difficult to be living two lives at once.

So come and show me why. You hardly make my heart stop, could it be true, could I really be into you?

But these feelings, controlled as they are, might be real. I smile at you and you smile back at me. Eyes… you can tell from them.—It shapes the lies you can never hide.

Watchtower

So hide.

Hide those eyes.

I can understand now,

Even if you try holding my hand,

How I pull myself away just to try and make you feel

I haven’t fallen

Fallen into you…

And if you think you’ve won,

You may be right,

But feelings are fleeting

And feelings can change

However these feelings can deceive

Either me or you.

Busy life

Your busy life can’t keep me in

You pass me

As a make a pass at you

Asking you to stay,

You rush off to your next class

I get left behind

Like I always do

It’s never really me…

Always the one left standing

Watching

Waiting

Till the next ship sails,

Hits the shore

Tearing down the walls...

*Sushi’s sleeping over Vince’s place. I don’t know whether I should be happy for her, or envious because I know how it feels to be around her-- and he’ll be laying there with her sleeping on his bed, and I’ll be laying on my own tonight, thinking of all the possible things they could be doing…

He won’t be able to let go…

She works her charm

She’s disarming…

Tomorrow will be another week filled with… what…?

I don’t even like-like her…

I don’t know why I like her, or why I might not?

All I know is that I don’t know what brought me to this point of fucking jealousy.

I gotta keep running, running these thoughts away.

Replace them with the physical pain it takes to run 10 laps, lift weights, do 50 crunches, 50 sit-ups, and some lower ‘ab’ exercises. I guess this is the only way I can divert my thoughts. It helps. So to all those with problems concerning thinking too much, one word… RUN!—

It will help chase away these negative thoughts.

Nick’s back and he’s been… no… not dropping signs of interest but he’s around. It’s cool, it’s fine… I mean, I’m not quite ready for any girl to guy relationship just yet. I’m still in this, “I-won’t-be-able-to-marry-a-guy-unless-I-go-through-a-girl2girl-relationship”… Rosario knows this, thank god she doesn’t think I’m crazy.

It’s the fact that I don’t trust myself enough to believe that I won’t be able to stay faithful to my future husband unless I get this whole bisexual thing done and over with.

--outta my system.

This is me. I have to be ‘in’ a situation in order to believe it exists. I’m not the kind of person who watches things happen. As much as possible, I like to taste, see, smell, hear and touch it…

*How do you end up loving a song? …screw the melody and all that musical crap, its the damn lyrics right? Well, this song never really ‘hit’ me until I saw the video on VH1.

This song goes out to Sushi and to all those that feel a sense of stupid, uncalled for jealousy! This is what we all call, ‘Karma’.

*Come on, admit it! We’ve all tried getting this one person jealous… my point is, it sucks when the roles are reversed--

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside 

Find me

I forced myself to 'love' Carson, the football jock just to get over Alex and now i'm back in same old chapter one. Rosario says that it isn't real. (My 'feelings' for Sushi, that is--) That she isn't even my type and that what I felt for Alex was far more convincing. Maybe. Maybe it isn't as 'powerful'-- maybe I just feel a sense of security around Sushi. It might not be love, but there's really something about the way she makes me feel.

Alex...
The kind of classic beauty

Sushi...
The Asian beauty

But am I really drawn to the outer? I used to tell Rosario that all my friends were picked based on good-looks. I am a fucker, ain't I? *Nod with me*
However, I've grown.
I've grown...seriously, I have

For instance,
My best friend...
Guess the preeeeeeetty best friend's got a lot of issues once looked beyond her gorgeous features. *tsk, tsk*

Sushi's been on my mind a lot-- and yeah, Alex crawls back in from time to time. Whatever happens, i'll always love her... i'll always care. There are people in your life that JUST stay.
Forget that she hurt you and broke your heart, forget that she almost ruined you completely, forget that she chose another, forget, forget. What matters most is what she brought you--

...She brought back my ability to surrender to somethin'.

Being one of my closest friends we do what normal friends do... we watch movies together with her girlrfriend ...yeaaah, play sports, sit and have these 'deep' conversations about life, but I guess, reality just hits you when you really... and i mean REALLY submerge yourself in it--

I just might never have her.

and so I get up and face the music, and smile at her like a happy fool who wants nothing more but friendship.

*As for school, I don't wanna think about it. Semestral break is soon approaching. All I want to do is hit the beach and go smoke up with a couple of friends who'd be willin' to just chill out with me. I don't know if Sushi's up for it. I think she's leaving for Japan. More time to bond with Rosario and Dakota. I haven't been 'out' with the two of them since last summer-- I mean, we are together almost everyday, but we haven't exactly sat and 'talked-talked'--lunchtime isn't really considered bonding time, right?

On another note,
*I loooove Rachael Yamagata :)
Check her out... She's hot :)

Worn Me Down

Gone, she's gone How do you feel about it That's what I thought You're real torn up about it And I wish you the best But I could do without it And I will, because you've worn me down Oh, I will, because you've worn me down Worn me down like a road I did everything you told Worn me down to my knees I did everything to please But you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her And you're wrong, you're wrong I'm not overreacting Something is off Why don't we ever believe ourselves And I, oh, I feel that word for you And I will, because you've worn me down Oh, I will because you have worn me down Worn me down like a road I did everything you told Worn me down to my knees I did everything to please But you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her She's so pretty; she's so damn right But I'm so tired of thinking About her tonight Worn me down like a road I did everything you told Worn me down to my knees I did everything to please But you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her Worn me down like a road I did everything you told Worn me down to my knees I did everything to please Worn me down like a road I did everything you told to me to do But you, you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her No, you can't stop thinking about her

*

If it hits you, then it must be about you

Homeless beyond reason

My mother might never believe this is what makes me, me.

Unconditional love…

Try and love me for me…

Beyond the books written by these ‘enlightened’ men in the past—

I am the one presently real--

Trying desperately to make you understand,

See me for me.

You must know—

How can you not,

…I came from you.

*

The one thing I let you in on

Is the one thing that might make you love me-

But you’ve got your fingers crossed that ‘waiting’ for him just might be what should be done,

I’ve got mine loosely hanging—

I’ve gone through this before.

Attachment,

The bloodiest curse—

*

Envy

My lovely, envious circle…

Care to nap beside me?

Watching you fall asleep

I think of him more

…the things he might have done to you—

Drives me—

Stop.

It stops.

Your light eyes smile back at me.

Maybe just at this moment

You could be mine.

But you close your eyes—

And he’s back within your thoughts.

And it drives me…

Drives me…

You’ve driven me further into this

Circles,

Circle me

I’ve driven myself…

It only happens if you choose to.

…Envy

*

Rachel Yamagata tripping in the background—thanks to Rosario.

Cinnamon Pop-Tarts made my day—thanks to Dakota.

*

This mischievous missin'

Do you know I hate ‘missing’?

We all should learn to get out of this pathetic state—

Wasteful missing—

So tell me,

What’s there to lose when everyone’s lost anyway?

She’s disappeared—

Ex-best friend.

Goodbye.

See you...

Soon?

Catching up...

September 2, 2006

The Devils and Angels in my head---

One that drives me to close my eyes and go to bed… the past few days have been a breeze. Mentally and physically draining, my body right at this moment wills to shut down if only Sushi wasn’t coming over to cheer me up. She’s the sweetest, you know? After hating her for the longest time for no apparent reason but sheer paranoia, I have only grown to love her like a sister…

...September 3, 2006

Just arrived from another outing with the “vendetta” group… I really am lucky to have these people. Funny, how I’ve taught myself to stop feeling these obsessive feelings for Alex and how I’ve also learned to quit feeling jealous every time she and her girlfriend display their crazy affection in front of everyone. I wanted to talk to Sushi… She’s been having this problem with this guy friend of ours.

My head hurts from lack of sleep. I’ve been up for nearly two days straight. One night of finishing the drawings and the research we had to complete for this damn project and the other, staying up all night talking to Sushi who invited herself to sleepover. To be really honest, I’m starting to “feel” something. “Suckiest” thing is that I know how STRAIGHT and how caught up she is towards Vince. She told me to wake her up as soon as I got home. I did, only to find myself listening to the ring of her mobile phone…

--to be continued.