'Smile like you mean it...'

Tell me a secret

And I just might tell you mine.

Are secrets made to be adjusted, edited, and limited to certain parts, depending on WHO’s listening?

Are you listening…?

The gravity of your story weighs on how many times you tell it…

They say the more you share your story,

The lighter it gets…

For the story becomes a part of you…

It elevates you into a stage of acceptance.

Hear mine.

Hear yours.

Hear hers.

Hear his.

I was never the best listener.

My ex-best friend was right.

I grow weaker around her.

Maybe weakness comes after you’ve found the person you believe loves you.

Your fears, through your deepest desires, she knows all… she respects all, she understands the way no one else does, she carries you through it, and despite her best intentions, she holds this against you.

You’re bound to lose...

I lost.

I’ve gotten to the point where I despise her for

choosing ‘the other’ over me.

What was it that I missed?

Timing?

Love comes at the right time.

What time?

---

I’m getting nauseous just thinking of this damn project at school… my friends are probably getting sick of my damn lame excuses. Maybe I AM prioritising school way too much. Even my grammy’s been calling to remind me to visit and have lunch with her. I guess I have to cancel again. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I’ll try compromising.

Why have I grown so selfish?

Is it self-indulgence?

My friends ask me out, I tell them I’m busy.

I wasn’t this way before.

I’d choose anything over work.

What’s changed?

F*ck.

I’m a F*ckin’ Nerd.

Last night I prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in a long time. And it felt good to sound so sincere.

Sincerity is different, isn’t it?

It reminds you that you’re somewhat

real...

Unmasked .

Priorities?

I once read a book about 5 balls. The rubber ball, being work, and the 4 glass balls being family, friends, integrity and health. Work will always bounce back. The rest, once dropped, will be shattered...

*and so to all those that mean somethin’ to me, if ever you get to read this, I’m gonna do some catching up…

I apologize for the wasted time.

A Villain Ain't A Villain Without A Mask

Masking your identity. It’s but a gift and a curse in our lives. It’s what we all learn to specialize in.

It’s what keeps us sane.

But when is too much, TOO much? When does the need to stop happen?

Does it happen?

Will it happen?

Or are these questions destined to be repeated over and over out of uncomfortable-comfort? I know society dictates our actions and that we’re all invisibly trapped in this whacked system. However, we can’t really blame ourselves, can we? After all, those that go against the current are either ‘burned up’ in fighting for their so-called beliefs. Cynical? Yeah, I know. I know I am. Feelings change. Don’t worry, I’ll wake up tomorrow and re-read this post and probably take it all back.

I almost gave up my identity for her—and if she only loved me and gave me the chance to love her, I would have risked it—The curious stares that follow the judgemental gossip, the striking fact that my parents could disown me, talks from schoolmates and friends who thought they knew me and in the end, didn’t?

Easier said than done… that’s what we all say to justify our actions. It is the very reason why some things are ‘meant’ left undone.

And so we all continue to live our lives this way. We mask it with happiness, we mask it with other people’s problems, we mask it with travelling, and watching the lives of other people through movies and television. We mask it with everything and anything away from what we really feel inside... Maybe this is our own little way of making it through this world we live in—maybe this mask isn’t so bad after all. Maybe we should be grateful for it and for these lies we know how to carry ever-so gracefully… For without it, we’d be all living in utter chaos.

My turn to write. This is my time. My turn to voice out all I have inside.

So does it matter that we’re all trapped in this world. Where to be blown up by others is a fact we must all accept.

It’s one thing to know someone doesn’t “ring” IMPORTANCE in your head and another to be overly sensitive about knowing that you aren’t important to the person you desire to be important to.

She doesn’t text back—

Until now she calls all the shots.

And I am elated when she signals interest…

Disappointed when she closes the so-called freshly opened door.

What is it about these people we love so much?

How is it that we never learn from our mistakes?

In all things… while practicing solving crazy shear values, making the same damn mistake over and over—

The complicated little ones…

Stray away from their beautiful little sparkling faces.

Clothes that glitter

Bodies that match their toned, sporty figures.

I lost mine in love.

And I face the mirror and realize that I should have stayed scrawny.

I could have loved her, you know?

It’s gone—

But I still see her with much past involved.

Is it the past that keeps us attached…?

the little pink closet of a bisexual brat

the little pink closet of a bisexual brat

"Listen to me now... I need to let you know"

Where am I?

I grow sleepier each day.

In need of brighter mornings,

A new character to unfold,

Better restaurants to have lunch in,

A different experience to write about…

A city that caters to lonesome travellers in search of Life’s hidden treasures…

I grow sleepier each day.

There is no she.

Only him…

…him,

and a lotta “hims”

I’m getting tired of these walking cocks.

I find it rather difficult to be living this life in secret.

--wrote this before going to school.

I’m sleeping over at a friend’s house right now. Just came from football practice. I don’t know what it is about the sport but for some reason, it always helps. I feel tired but yeaaah… Alive. I love my teammates! Funny, how I’ve gotten hooked to these damn cigarettes. I used to be extremely crazy over my health but as the days, weeks go by, I’m beginning to care less.

I better start working out again. The beach trip with my friends is soon approaching…stress reliever! Damn am I sooooo ready to hit the waves!

*Update between me and my so-called “ex-best friend” WE’RE still in shaky terms… or more like in a “we’re-okay-but-we’re not” situation. She’s starting to annoy me. I don’t wanna get to the point where I get hella pissed and leave. I’m such a pro at running away from people who make me feel uncomfortable. It’s unfair, I know. But that’s the thing. I really don’t know my worth. Or maybe I just don’t wanna feel rejected, that’s all.

You know what I think?

I think it’s over. I think she’s gotten to the point where she just can’t take it anymore—she’s probably sick and tired of fighting over the same damn things. I know I am.

*a text message from her*

…Trust? I’ve lost it?

How so?

She hurts me and yet I’m still here…

I guess the past means so much that I can’t bare to leave her in memories.

So she says she’ll come around soon…

Not now…

But soon…

So much later…

What else is new?

I should get used to it by now.

I’m travelling to H.K so that’s something to look forward to. I haven’t been to that much Asian countries. Singapore—which was soooooooo crazy beautiful and clean! Thailand where I went shopping for really cheap football jerseys and… uhhhhh Malaysia which was okaaaay-ish? We didn’t really tour so i guess i missed on a lot..

*think… think…*

uhhhh…

I’ve been “lookin” around but so far, the only people that are ‘interested’ are those that I’m not interested in…so that’s just that. And those that I’m interested in are always those that are either freakin’ straight or those that are already in their own relationships.

Life is unfair.

I ain’t gonna bother to justify this.

Is it really about my mother and why I desire to be loved by women?

Wasn’t it enough love from her…?

I know her tone.

I know her words.

WHAT she will say…

I can preempt it.

So what is it about people thinking or trying to think they know you? Is it their way of reassuring themselves that they KNOW things—that they’re somewhat above everyone else’s ‘black and white checkered moves’.

I have this friend who’s been my friend for probably over a year and a half—

I can say, she knows me… however, there’s always going to be a part of me that no one else can reach.

This is the part that keeps me sane.

This is where I am untouchable.

I haven’t let anyone ‘TOO’ in—

Thinking that I have loved so much and given too much…

No.

It isn’t so.

Alex—

That girl…

The one who stole my heart.

She could be the one that would steal yours.

Oh that girl.

That mischievous beautiful girl…

*sigh*

In doing so much, looking back into it would be looking into an empty hourglass where time has expired.

The sand has stopped moving—all things completely still…

And yet my thoughts of her haven’t expired—

……

*written last august 13

note: as of today, i've completely moved on... i guess it really takes time. It did, it took a lotta time-- a lotta sacrifice... but they say it doesn't take much when you've found real love. so was she not real...? was she meant only for a greater plot... for a grander scheme? i can only wait this out-- hopefully not in f*ckin' vain.

If you knew me...

“The Art Of Losing…”

It is the art I’ve mastered… My worth… do I have worth? I never know my worth.

And so forgive me if I thought I didn’t mean anything to you…

I just wanted to feel needed by you—

*If only she showed she needed me; I would have stayed. I would have fought harder. In between thoughts of “what-could-have-been” and accepting the fact that it just might be for the better, I confuse myself further.

I loved her. God knows I did--- I still do. And I would have forgiven her if only she had forgiven me. I would have given everything—I did. I always did. But I guess it wasn’t enough for her. I believe she wanted more.

Your best friend can turn out to be your worst enemy. I just didn’t think it could be possible with her.

7 years isn’t enough…

She…

Me…

You…

All fighting to stay afloat.

Drown me now…

Today isn’t my day.

I’ll love her still…

It hurts.